The couples that I know that are friends, and they are absolutely friends, their marriages weren’t affected by affairs or wayward spouses. So there is absolutely a point to be made there about not being able to be friends or share secrets etc with a spouse and marriages that are affected by infidelity.
I think it makes a big difference in why the couples got divorced, as to them becoming friends later.
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I personally don’t tend to see Steve’s spouse as a wayward spouse. I personally think she a narcissist on a level most haven’t seen.
I think most WW's have narcissist traits (some more than others). However, I see what you are saying. The difference would be that a WW could change, whereas, as narcissist wouldn't.
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I personally believe if Steve could accept her for what she is, and not hold onto the pain, not think that maybe she’ll change and come back, (again I don’t think she is a wayward, she’s always been incapable of monogamy) he would be the rock he needs to be for his kids. Because right now he isn’t. Right now his kids need him and he is still too focused on niceing and manipulating his W family in an attempt to win back his W. My hope, and maybe I’m wrong and way off base, is if he can start to see her as less than a W but more than absolutely nothing he can start to let go of the pain of his marriage and heal and be the better father his kids need. Because he’s too focused on one extreme or the next. Again just my opinion and I don’t ever want to give out bad advice that’s counter productive.
I agree. I know you have a busy life, but maybe you could post a little more often to Steve, since you survived the W you had, and have grown as a man & as a father.
Steve, I encourage you to read Joseph's story. Here's a man who made vast changes from the guy who first joined the board.
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At this point in my life I am just so overwhelmed with the amount of crap ive endured the last few months, and allowed myself to be affected by. My focus now is not letting things get to me ive done a terrible job.
Wouldn't it work better for you to just stop taking crap........period? Why measure the amount, and why endure it? That's why you need boundaries, to protect your feelings and self respect. You have endured disrespect for so long until it became a way of life for you, and now you can't even respect yourself. Time for that mess to stop right now. It's time for you to start respecting Steve. Okay, so you've done a terrible job by allowing "things" to get to you. I've been in that boat plenty of times, and have learned that you can overcome, but it's an ongoing challenge.
Do things get to you when it comes to anyone........or are you specifically talking about your W and the sitch? If it's your W, then you really must stay away from her and stop communicating. MWD writes in DR about the technique after the LRT. IMHO, this is true "going dark". It's as if you fell of the plant (as for as your WW is concerned). She doesn't see or hear from you again. But here's the thing, Steve. You have to let go of the false hope that the two of you will reconcile. That's the thing that is preventing you from excelling. It's what causes you to believe every lie, and every manipulative trick. You buy into the magic formula theory that something will happen to bring her to her senses and see how much you love her. It has NOTHING to do about how much you love her. It has everything to do with how much (or little) she loves you. I knew my H loved me to the moon & back, but it didn't change how I felt. It's clear your W wants what she can't have.......but that's not love. It's not honorable.
I know how newcomers will always throw the excuse in about the kids, but if your kids are old enough to talk on the phone.......then why is it necessary for you to talk to the mother? I mean, seriously.
Last time you posted, something was said about moving through with the D. Did either of you act on it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Time for that mess to stop right now. It's time for you to start respecting Steve. Okay, so you've done a terrible job by allowing "things" to get to you. I've been in that boat plenty of times, and have learned that you can overcome, but it's an ongoing challenge. 