Steve_Treading Water

[97Hope]

I have had a tough time getting it through my head, ive blamed my WW for playing mind games to manipulate me but honestly its my fault for allowing it. After talking with IC its a big lack of self-respect that I have and a huge fear that i'll lose her if I dont nice her back. Thus far nicing her has got me "friend zoned" so to add to the stack of times its been said "nicing her back doesnt work".

As hard as it is - you would do better accepting the fact that you lost her even before BD.

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I see you guys talk a lot about being "friend-zoned" - I don't treat my friends like this. I'm guessing most of you don't either.

I know plenty of people who have "friends" that they call up when they are lonely, want sex or need the toiled plunged etc..but not any other time.

A friend cares about your life. A friend cares about your feelings. A friend considers you when something great happens, not just when the toilet is clogged. A friend won't harm you. Yes, sometimes words from a friend hurt (hey, I've noticed you are drunk when I call) but NEVER harm. Friends hold each other in high regard and treat each other with respect.

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Steve - you allowed it. But the blame for treating another human rests on your WW. Good that you are accepting your part in this. So going forward, choose how you are treated. Don't tell her "If you swing at me again, I'm going to step out of the way!" Just step out of the way!

Part of the process is seeing WAS/WS for who they are today. That's what makes it easier for us to be manipulated in the beginning. We aren't dealing with the spouse we knew and loved and trusted.

We are dealing with people who are willing to destroy families, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the loss of friends, reputation etc. - all to fill the void in their lives. All to "feel" better. Caring nothing for the devastation they leave in the wake.

Recognize who they are today, accept it and get the hell out of their way.