Steve_Treading Water

[JosephS]

Sandi I always appreciate your input and point of view and never would assume you’re picking on me.

The couples that I know that are friends, and they are absolutely friends, their marriages weren’t affected by affairs or wayward spouses. So there is absolutely a point to be made there about not being able to be friends or share secrets etc with a spouse and marriages that are affected by infidelity.

The point I was trying to make, is it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation. It doesn’t have to be all love or all hatred. Yes you can be kind or civil even in these situations if you can accept the reality of what is going on and who your spouses are. I personally don’t tend to see Steve’s spouse as a wayward spouse. I personally think she a narcissist on a level most haven’t seen. Her behavior isn’t new, her cheating isn’t new it seems to be who she is as a person. A significant character flaw.

But your point is still very valid. Being friends was a poor choice of words if you look at it that deeply. Being civil and co-parenting harmoniously while continuing to have self respect would have definitely been a better choice of words.

I just don’t want to see anyone use children as a threat or away to control the situation. For me, the pain of what my W did to me is something i can separate. Just because someone is a terrible spouse doesn’t mean they’re a terrible parent. I wish I could do 50/50 custody. I wish my kids did have both parents even if their parents aren’t living together.

I personally believe if Steve could accept her for what she is, and not hold onto the pain, not think that maybe she’ll change and come back, (again I don’t think she is a wayward, she’s always been incapable of monogamy) he would be the rock he needs to be for his kids. Because right now he isn’t. Right now his kids need him and he is still too focused on niceing and manipulating his W family in an attempt to win back his W. My hope, and maybe I’m wrong and way off base, is if he can start to see her as less than a W but more than absolutely nothing he can start to let go of the pain of his marriage and heal and be the better father his kids need. Because he’s too focused on one extreme or the next. Again just my opinion and I don’t ever want to give out bad advice that’s counter productive.