Just as FYI being friends with your ex doesn’t hurt your kids. It hurts you and only you. I personally know couples that are divorced and still good friends and co-parent very well and their kids are happy, adjusted, and most importantly loved.
The definition of friends: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
JMHO, the word "friends" is carelessly used referring to the relationship the LBS has with the spouse that betrayed them. I think the word is used when actually meaning the couple stopped tearing each other apart whenever they need to discuss child related or business type issues. Often, couples are civilized in their interactions, and some people may interpret that as being friends. It takes time to qualify as friends. Don't confuse a respectful and trusted friendship.......with the action of friend-ly manners........or an upbeat interaction. If you have a friendly personality, does that mean you are automatically friends with everyone? I have been described, IRL, to have a friendly personality, but I assure you I don't consider everyone a friend. I'm just friendly!
In cases of a wayward spouse, there needs to be a space of time after the bomb drop, before becoming chums. Here again, the faithful spouse should consider what it means to be friends. There needs to be some healing in the individual lives, if they expect to be friends in the future. And, what about trust? What if the wayward spouse continues to manipulate? Your ex was once the most important person in your life. However, there was a reason for the breakup. Usually, trust has been violated and there has been betrayal.
I'll share some things I read on this subject.
1. Allow yourself time to grieve. (Don't rush into a friends relationship.) 2. Take baby steps. (The wayward spouse that wanted out of your M, hasn't changed. So, be very cautious embarking on any type of relationship.) 3. Hang out as friends. (I really don't agree with this, and I can explain if asked). 4. Don't become intimate. (Once intimate, it kind of changes the status of friendship....wouldn't you agree?) 5. Build trust. (How are you going to build trust with a liar & cheat?) 6. Focus on the good. ( )
There are so many arguments I could give for this list, but I'll spare. There's one however, I wants to bring up. If you go through the pain of a divorce, why would you want to "hang out" with that person. And as far as doing things "as a family"........why would you believe this would not confuse the children? Imagine if both divorced parents marry other people.......would the new spouses be fine with the divorced couple hanging out together or doing things as "their" family? TV sitcoms may want to present this type of coziness.......but I don't buy it. No way is the new spouse going set back and tell you to go have a good time with your adulterous ex-spouse. Oh, and have a good time with the ex-spouse and the children born from that marriage, while the new spouse babysits any other children. No, there are too many problems with the whole thing.
I say keep the relationship with the ex-spouse civilized, if at all possible. Discuss nothing but the one link between you, which are the children, and have a new life that does not include the ex. I've seen people who could keep their interactions calm, polite, and even have a friendly sound. But they didn't hang out together like buddies. They didn't call to chat, or met up for lunch, of share family activities. Their children weren't confused or living on the edge of hope that every time they saw their parents together it meant maybe they would fall in love again and get back together.
Almost every WW story I've read, she wants to remain friends with LBH. Even at bomb drop, some will say they hope to remain friends. (Yeah, just overlook the fact I've blew apart out M......and we can be pals.) She's the same manipulative and selfish woman and she sees the "friendship" as beneficial to herself. The LBH, in the meantime, thinks maybe the friendship will bring them back together in marriage. Although MWD leans toward the friendship idea, I, respectfully, disagree when the other spouse has been....and is currently wayward. No way, no how!
As you know, the subject of the wayward mindset is not included in her books, nor does she separate WS from WAS, but most of the cases on the board involves waywardness, IMHO. The successful divorce busting stories found on the forum, is actually more of a thank you letter to MWD. We don't have access to their actual threads. I remember Starsky trying to search for their names, b/c he wanted to read the full background story. Couldn't find anything. I'm not suggesting Michele created any of these letters, but I think newcomers want to read the full story of successful DBing, and these folks either didn't use their board names, or they weren't on the board.
Anyway, my point being that when it comes to a wayward spouse situation, you are dealing with a different creature than that of a walk-away spouse. There are several things the LBS can apply in either case (GAL, 180's, work on self improvement, etc) but more than not the case of waywardness requires a tough love approach due to the foundation of disrespect in the wayward. From what I've read, that's the last straw suggested by MWD. But by then it's too late, IMHO. The LBS should apply tough love the minute the bomb drops or contact with a third party is discovered. Being friends with a wayward just makes no sense to me. I could accept how it might work in a few cases with a wayward husband.........but not when the W is wayward (due to the differences in men & women).
Co-parenting doesn't mean friendship. If you can get along long enough to interact calmly, that should be good enoug for a long, long time..........even more if marriages to new people come along.
P.S. Joseph, thanks for coming to the board to post. I used a quote from your post to get me started here, but I'm not picking on you. I think you've done a great job, but I also know you had to put distance between you and ex-WW due to her antics. (((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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(Yeah, just overlook the fact I've blew apart out M......and we can be pals.) She's the same manipulative and selfish woman and she sees the "friendship" as beneficial to herself. The LBH, in the meantime, thinks maybe the friendship will bring them back together in marriage. Although MWD leans toward the friendship idea, I, respectfully, disagree when the other spouse has been....and is currently wayward. No way, no how! 