Quick outline for H's who have been BD'd by WW

[sandi2]

Is it more likely that the WW leaves the marital home to be with OM rather than the husband move out?

I'd guess it's about 50/50. It depends on the individual situation. WW's have an extreme sense of entitlement and think the LBH should just be a gentleman and move out and continue paying the bills........ while she gets to remain in the home and carry on with OM. It also depends on OM's setup. Does he want to live with her, or is he married, have kids, etc.? Can she afford another place, or can she stay with her relatives/friends? Is this a long distant affair, and things of that nature that would determine her moving out or staying? I think the H who moves out are those who have not sought advise about this move, and/or they think that's just something that a man does when his W is cheating. There are extreme cases where the WW is causing so much havoc in the home (nasty bullying, calling cops, domestic violence, etc.) that he has to get away from her if she won't leave.

What do you think of in-house separation? In my case, WW's behavior got progressively more erratic and emotionally driven which had a negative effect on me and my moods which in turn upset the peace of the household. It's even more difficult when you have children. Her outrageous behavior created a toxic atmosphere.

I think in-house separation stinks! They aren't truly separated. It's the epitome of cake eating for the WW, and a slow tortuous death for the LBH. The best description I've heard from a LBH who was IHS is "it's soul crushing".

When I found this forum I thought the 180s were to get WW to notice our changes and maybe they would want to R but as Sandi said, they are done with the marriage. The 180s are for us to improve ourselves. It seems then, that a physical separation must occur first, in order for the WW to experience natural consequences.

Well, that's the way I see it, but I'm sure there are grounds for argument. Once the LBH gets the idea in his head that 180's are all about pleasing her........becoming what he thinks women want in a H (which is completely wrong).......it's difficult to get him to see it differently. What really gets me is when the first 180 many LBH's do.........is house keeping, cooking, laundry, etc. I haven't seen a WW yet that was swept away by her H becoming the housemaid.

Another point about the 180's is that some newcomers think they are suppose to do the opposite of EVERYTHING. Usually they put their own twist on it, but it all leads back to justifying their NGS and trying to win back the WW. I use to give a lot of examples of 180's and things to do to get the WS's attention and curiosity ......but now I see some of that stuff as a bit superficial. Nothing is more effective than letting her go and focusing on his own self respect and growth as a man........not as her husband. That's the biggest 180 the LBH can do, when he has a wayward W.

I've read of the term "affair fog" on some other websites. How does this fit into the mindset of a WW?

It's not the greatest term, but I think it's to help the LBS understand the thought pattern and/or mindset of the one having an affair. The wayward spouse is acting out of character, and seemingly unable to process things in a logical manner.......b/c their brain chemistry is effected by the affair. Her fantasy is attached to the affair, and it's overtaking her reality. In other words, she's in la-la land. It's not a good combination with her resentment, disrespect, & rebellion she already feels toward her H.

Thanks for your comments, Drh.