same story again

[SteveLW]

Hi everyone, i am a new poster after finding these forums just into the new year. i have been reading most of what i can as a guest? i feel that it has already helped me in my sitch, which i am sure is not much different to most LBS.

in September 2020 i was asked to meet my W for lunch, she asked if i would meet her in the car - which i did. we drove for 10 mins and then stopped in a layby, she then proceeded to tell me that ILYBANILWY and didnt want to be with me anymore or even married to me anymore and wanted SPACE.she would move out and get a flat with our D15, this is where i made my first mistakes - i pleaded and cried not for her to go? i dropped her back to work. when she came home that night i continued my pleading, i went to be that night and cried my eyes out. she continue to be in the MBR although we didnt have any intimacy.Sept,Oct & Nov we continue to live together as a family and do thing as you would expect although i promised to give her at least a whole day to herself over the weekends! so i made myself scarce usually on the Saturday and then Sunday as a family outing. at this point i thought we were getting on better than we had for the last 9 months and that we would be fine.Dec 8th went to bed as normal - lent over to kiss her goodnight and this is when she announced that she had been sleeping with her coworker that she shares an office with, and had been since early Oct. her head never left the pillow while telling me this? at this point i stormed out of the house and went to speak to my MIL, i came back about 3 hours later and decided to sleep on the Sofa and the 2 hours later with no sleep decided that i have done nothing wrong - why should i sleep on the Sofa, so went back to the MBR - she didnt get up.

this was the Tuesday night - she moved in with her mother on the Sunday after - where she has been ever since. although she stays at the PA flat on a regular basis or so i am led to believe! she lost her job with the PA and has now got another one in a different town 12 miles away! my D16 now is still angry with her mother and refuses to see her.
we did have her to our house on Xmas day, but i have had no direct contact with her since, but made the mistake of talking to her best friend 2 weeks ago, which i now regret - because i was stupid enough to think we were talking as friends, but lesson learned and all that!

i have gone dark after that episode and will not be talking to her friend or her mother about our sitch and also trying detachment from her - because i have been guilt of Pursuit (me) and she is distancing, which i will not be following up. its not until i read these boards that i realised what i was doing was pushing her further away!

i also believe she is in mlc as it like an alien has taken over her body/mind, her actions are completely against her values. we have yet to have a R talk although she has told her friend that she cannot and will not be coming back to me!

i am now having counselling to overcome depression and anxiety which was brought on after Sept, i am also on depression tablets.

You're absolutely right, this is a very common tale, unfortunately. And I wouldn't beat yourself up for the mistakes you've made so far because, well, most of us are not prepared to deal with this situation. Very few LBSs know about DBing until they've already made plenty of mistakes. And even after knowing DB, it continues to be difficult not to slip up now and again and make mistakes.

However, most of the heavy lifting is done in your sitch. It is ideal for a WAS in a PA to be out of the house, certainly out of the MBR. Now you just need to stay true to your plan on going dark. Get DR and read it as Cadet suggests. Study the Last Resort Technique. In fact, I still see you hoping she will come back to you. Right now you shouldn't even be interested in her returning because it is impossible to reconcile while a 3rd party is still in the picture.

You have no control over her choices, whether they are being caused by a MLC or not. All you can do is move forward, focus on you. Being in IC is a great step! Congratulations! It is amazing how many LBSs resist IC, so you are commended for seeking that help already. Keep working on you to become the best you can be. Go out and GAL! Like a madman. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that sit home and stew on their misery. Be busy. I know there is a pandemic, but there are still plenty of GAL opportunities for those that are motivated. And finally, keep working on detachment. You described her as acting as an alien has taken over her mind/body. Then treat her that way, like an alien. Like someone you don't even know. Read sandi's rules, and start working on applying them.

mark, I am very sorry you are going through this. These situations are the worst, but you are through the worst of it already. If you focus on yourself (and your D16, be the best dad you can be!), you can get through this better and stronger, no matter what your cheating W decides.