"B. Accept the fact that the bomb was not your wayward wife’s way of warning you that the marriage was in trouble. She was not trying to wake you in order to work on the marriage. It was her way of telling you it is too late and she is done with it."
Very true! You wrote in an earlier post about a WW's unique way of disrespecting her H. This was true of my WW. I didn't realize it at the time but she would dismiss me whenever I wanted to talk to her about anything. She wouldn't even look at me but would say things like "I'm busy", "I'm reading", "I'm watching my show." Even when we were in the car on a long trip she would put her headphones in and refuse to make any conversation with me. I put it down to just moodiness but now I look back and I can see exactly what you described.
"C. Accept that no matter how badly you wish to correct your faults in the marriage and only want a chance to prove yourself as a better husband, she has moved past that point."
This is so true. Nothing works at this point and the 180s are for us. They might get her attention but WW's heart and mind is set for rebellion. They want out.
"D. Accept the painful fact that your WW does not want to work on the MR. She does not feel in love with you, and is not the same person you married."
A few days after WW told me she wanted a separation, she texted me "I'm a single woman." You describe the WW mindset as cold and dark. It's as if they've become the worst version of themselves they could possibly be. Her behavior got more and more erratic, emotionally driven and unpredictable. Every day was a battle for me.
"E. Accept that your WW is not going to snap back into the wife and mother that she was in the past. This is not going to be a short run. She has to go through a process, and there is no snapping back into normality."
The part about the "mother" is interesting because it's not just the H she rebels against but her role as a mother. Last year WW completely stopped cooking for six weeks, telling me she had "mentally checked out." I told her you don't have to cook for me but at least cook for the kids. She told me if she cooks for them it makes her feel like she's not moving on! My kids were upset with her and I had to pick up the slack as we would take turns cooking. I told her she carried them for nine months and now she doesn't want to feed them and her reply was "I don't need to cook for my kids. I provide for them emotionally and financially."
What was weird is I caught her taking a pot and saucepan with her so she could cook for OM and his kids. After a time, the guilt got to her and she started to cook for my kids again but it was sporadic.
Another thing she did was come home from work and them immediately leave to be with OM. WW told me the kids felt abandoned by her whenever she did this. She spent less and less time with them.
Recently, she made a FB post about being in a new relationship with OM. She gave people the impression she took the kids and moved out a year ago but didn't tell them she was living with me all this time. We are now separated. She posted that "the kids are fine" and then tells me privately the kids are going through trauma. I was the one who got them in therapy while she did nothing.
"F. Accept that you will not be able to control the lives of your children when they are with her. You will not be able to prevent her from introducing them to whomever she wishes, including her affair partner."
She introduced my kids to OM and within three months she moved in with him and now my kids spend long weekends with her at OM's house. I was really upset about this. She kept bringing the date forwards all the time and told me OM wanted her to move in early so they can get used to being around each other. The irony is she is a full time mother to his kids and a part time mother to mine. How messed up is that?
II. Regain mental stability and clarity.
"B. Break your habit of rescuing her. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or fix things for her. Allow her to deal with consequences of her behavior and decisions. Stop putting forth effort to be her husband, in the practical sense."
I mentioned in a recent post how this was difficult for me to do. Even after she moved out I still reminded her to check her car fluids.
"E. Do not make any rash decisions. Whatever decisions you are thinking about, run it by the DB board or your confidant, to get an unbiased opinion. You are vulnerable to your emotions."
This is good advice especially for new members. Sometimes we need a 2*4 from some of the forum members to knock some sense into us.
I have a few questions.
1. Is it more likely that the WW leaves the marital home to be with OM rather than the husband move out?
2. What do you think of in-house separation? In my case, WW's behavior got progressively more erratic and emotionally driven which had a negative effect on me and my moods which in turn upset the peace of the household. It's even more difficult when you have children. Her outrageous behavior created a toxic atmosphere.
3. When I found this forum I thought the 180s were to get WW to notice our changes and maybe they would want to R but as Sandi said, they are done with the marriage. The 180s are for us to improve ourselves. It seems then, that a physical separation must occur first, in order for the WW to experience natural consequences.
4. I've read of the term "affair fog" on some other websites. How does this fit into the mindset of a WW?
