Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gerda]

I know you are a vet here, so hoping this isn't presumptuous of me, but I relied on my atty for everything and friends who hated what he was doing. That way I could keep my emotion out of it.

This might be a myth believed by the newbies, but I assure you that no one posts here to yell into the void! I love to read comments just as much as you do. Makes this journey much less lonely. Just to have someone say, "Yes, he is a scoundrel" is quite comforting.

You might not know my story but I had a lawyer before. In fact, I had three. I had to be pro se when I sold our family biz, after H went nuts and the biz began failing. Those buyers never paid me, long story, but I had to be pro se with them and did very well, so I thought I could do it in D court. But my judge was so horrifying on day one that I did get a lawyer. She had helped a friend of mine a lot but was going through her own MLC, I think never filed anything even in response, let alone to play offense a bit, ignored a lot of bad stuff (like H dropping our health insurance with no notice), etc., so I had to fire her. There was another after her who did 75% criminal law (people, don't hire anyone who is not full time D!) and whose partner had a heart attack so he had a triple case load and never prepared for anything when we went to court or did anything to strategize out of court. He even at court coerced me into signing the worst agreement ever, while I was sobbing hysterically and saying, "I can't do this!", as he really didn't understand that negotiation was not going to be possible. Hired lawyer three, spent 20K on an extremely minor gain without making any progress on big issues, then Covid hit, and he kept billing, so I decided to go pro se.

And I have been doing much better pro se. I think I could have done much better if I had the confidence from day one to do it, and if I had understood that the judge can't force you to do ANYTHING until you go to trial. But I was just too raw. And don't forget, H was LIVING with me while brutalizing me in court! He wouldn't even agree to be out on the mornings of court, so I would have to make breakfast near him and leave for court at the same time!

Oh my gosh, remembering that now makes me shiver with horror. Thank god that is over.

I always reckoned that I had to protect myself and not allow the disordered person to guide my ship. I would keep the other crazy decisions they had made that hurt themselves and the family in the forefront of every decision I had to make.

It is a grace that you were able to do this so early in your journey. I came to faith early in my journey, and I thought it meant I had to stand for my marriage til the day I died. I didn't understand that my H may have been mentally ill all along, and that his BD was perhaps not the massive character change I thought, but more like the peeling away of a layer. Maybe a layer of his best self, but this other person was lurking all along, looking back I can't deny the many things that pointed to that darker self, or that he really was never that interested in me as a person or a woman.

But that's for another post.

For now I am just trying to figure out my next move.

I think it has brought me to a new level of detachment, this latest scoundrel-ism. I reread all the narcissistic personality disorder stuff, and the stuff about divorcing them. He doesn't check a lot of things on the list; he checks ALL OF THEM. I keep thinking I am going to be able to find the right negotiation angle? Or get anything out of judge that doesn't even force him to pay child support? I have to face the facts of H and the facts of this judge and I have to stop trying the same things that don't work. I have made a ton of progress over these three years, but I can't do this for another three years. The trial judge will be a different judge but this one just keeps accepting motions without ruling on them and never says, STOP FILING MOTIONS UNTIL TRIAL. I heard from a lawyer at the domestic abuse center that I could file something to have another judge review the case, so I am looking into that. I have to either find the money to pay him or get out of this judge's courtroom. I have a meeting with a family law lawyer who is a close friend but out of state. I am going to try to make a shift in my approach, facing reality, facing facing facing reality, don't look to the right or to the left or get confused about God's purpose for me. Walk with grace but walk in truth. Accept my circumstances, accept my time in the desert, stop trying to deny it even on some hidden level. It's all true, and I have to try a different path that stops trying to get around the truth of where I am, who H is, who my judge is, and all the rest.