It’s been a while since I last posted. I can’t even find my old thread.
It’s been 5.5 years since I first came on to these boards and it feels like a lifetime ago. Me and ex got into an argument over bills and he made this comment “I am not your husband or boyfriend or fiancé anymore for you to yell at me like that”. The truth is - there was no yelling - we were texting (no capitilzation or exclamation points or curses ) I was just rationally pointing out that he doesn’t pay me what he’s supposed to.
My first thought to that comment was to respond with “I do not think you you’re my husband I’m grateful your not” etc etc. but instead I realized he was doing what he always does... he throws something out there that will take him off the defensive (deflect) and take on a position of offense. The words he uses are meant to make me look irrational and crazy. And then the pattern has been - I forget about pursuing the money or ignore things like his consistent lateness.
This time I didn’t fall for it and just responded “that’s a really weird comment” didn’t defend myself at all.
But it did make me think how happy I am to not be with him. It did trigger all the trauma and abuse I experienced by him during the divorce and even by my own lawyers that thought I was crazy (until they saw the missing funds and realized it was either a drug or prostitution addiction) . So I’m really triggered by the subtle gaslighting and the insinuations that I am crazy and irrational.
Updates
Anyway - my relationship has been absolutely amazing. It’s just such a different feeling from my marriage - to actually have a partnership with someone that thinks rationally and fairly. It’s about “we” and meeting each other’s needs. We really get along and everyday I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Covid has been tough. I lost a lot of hours but still worked and was not greatly protected through healthcare policy - so kind of had the worst of both worlds. Childcare was more stressful for me then worrying about getting Covid. . I feel like there was no coordination between the schools and real world. Schools were super strict - shut down - and once they were opened they were constantly shutting down or quarantining. But healthcare facilities didn’t have matching guidelines. So childcare was a major problem for healthcare workers. An example - in a school setting any exposure even with masks on and being less then 6 feet away and having negatives tests gets a guaranteed 10 day quarantine. In a healthcare setting if your coworkers child actually has Covid - they come to work and just wear a surgical mask. I’m getting my 2nd vaccination next week and am grateful for that though. Ex did help more with child care then he ever did in the past - but usually I would precede it with something like “there’s a camp that will cost us this amount - can you watch him or should we pay for this”. Babysitting from grandparents during Covid just isn’t safe - especially due to how I am exposed.
My son is struggling and that’s tough to watch. Adhd kids have a lot of social struggles and my heart is breaking. We moved in with my fiancé and with Covid there’s just no socialization or many activities. It’s been hard for him to get along with fiancé’s kids and a lot of it is my sons social skills. They are hard to teach. And it’s been very stressful for me and tough for him ( we had these issues before the move in his old school too - but now it’s just harder to get help) I’m patient- refrain from yelling - give him one on one - focus on positivity. But I’m at a loss.
Anyway I’ve been reading up on everyone and hope to post more.
