Need advice on stubborn W

[AKuei]

Journaling

D6 started her grade school this year. W had started to be more involved in prepping the kid for it. Lots of conversation happening between me and the W because of this. No R talks at all. And I was trying my hardest to validate (It's tough man).

W seems to be happy to be in this state of limbo; making home improvements here and there, taking on the responsibility of sending D6 to school in the morning while I take care of D4. Picking them back from school is still my job because I'm the one with the car.

I seemed to be handling it well but sometimes, I may spiral slightly out of control and will have this nagging thinking that maybe I should be the one to file it because I really hate this limbo state. It's either you're in or you're out. My speculation is that she doesn't have the financial means to move out and still be there for the kids so she's buying time to work out an exit plan on her own time. Thus me thinking about pulling the plug and expedite the move.

I still don't think I'm at a place where I'm ok to move forward. I know i'm going at it at turtle pace and I hate myself for it. "It's a marathon, not a sprint" this is the only phrase that is keeping me in check.

Because of my knee surgery, I can't GAL as much anymore but i'll be off crutches next week so I can start to do some GAL-planning! No heavy sports (which i love football and thai kick-boxing) for at least 6 months so I'm figuring out what to GAL alone. Thinking of getting more books to read; head out to a nice cafe to read it instead of being cooped up at home though.

Another thing that is boggling my mind is that she has been asking me to be more involved in some of her events; asking me to go badminton (which i declined because of my knee op; obviously), arranging to bring the kids out together for a swim, started to even coach me on how to fold the laundry, nag at the kids, planning gathering at our place together with me(i didn't actively plan with her, I'm more like a follower because it's her friends not mine). All these are pointing back to her old self; I'm not having high hopes of it because she doesn't seem remorseful for the damage she has done to the family (I assumed she felt oblivious because the kids are not so much affected given the fact that I stepped up the plate to be there for my kids; they are doing fabulous with me to be honest!). All i can say right now is that I'm working to be an effective co-parent with her. I don't want to give the kids mixed signals where I'm opposing her on the way we parent. It's not enabling her because her thought process about parenting is quite mainstream and not controversial which i can get behind. Although a couple of times i did questioned about her actions which i politely declined and told her I will manage the kids my way.

I'm still doing my therapy and reading up on a lot on this forum and other marriage-related portals. Still kept my weight down and doing pretty much ok physically (minus the knee op).

Just one quick question to the vets here; how can i build my self-esteem up? I can't seem to find a way that sticks...