Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

From my journal - 8/4/20


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Every situation is different, which makes it harder to figure out what's best for us. I don't regret standing - I did what I felt was right at the time with the information I had at the time. I have grown so much stronger and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, whereas before - I was a shell of the woman I am now.

I took time evaluating what I want in life. I spent all of my energy in therapy, learning about grief, reading true stories from other people in my situation - I'm Christian so there was the whole Biblical angle for me, personally and reading what God says about adultery. (He hates it, BTW and has divorced His people over it).

Early days, I started drinking a lot of water and quit drinking alcohol. Just to help me see clearly. Then I started working out for my physical health. That also helped my mental health. I signed up for a 5k. (I am the opposite of a runner LOL). It's amazing what we believe we can't do until we do it.

My point is, start with what you can do. You can drink adequate water every day, right? It helps to make good choices for ourselves - it empowers us. When something breaks around the house - google a video on how to fix it and do it! If you mess up, call someone to help you.

Those little things helped me get my power back. I had given my spouse all of my power. I didn't even get to decide - as a grown woman - where the money was spent, where/when we went for fun etc. what kind of flowers we planted. Sure, he would ask my opinion, but ultimately - He was big on control and I was so conditioned, it took a long trek out of the fog to realize how much I gave him.

I chose - for MYSELF - what I wanted in life. And it wasn't spending another second with a man who did not respect me and who hurt me, lied to me, and had little to no value for me as a human.

I was the one to file for divorce, but I had to get there on my own. I had to be honest about what I was willing to accept from my partner. It was brutal, painful and most of all - FREEING. I promise that whatever you decide, you will survive. But if you take some time, take care of yourself, focus on your healing - you will THRIVE.

I am convinced that - to the point of this article (why did we stay?) - we stay because we accept what we think we deserve. Secondly, we stay because we accept far less from a spouse than we would ever accept from a potential suitor. I spent a lot of time evaluating my boundaries and realizing that because of a marriage license - I was willing to have zero boundaries. I am interested to know if other LBSs that stay also have no boundaries with other family members.

Once I began my healing journey I started evaluating boundaries with every relationship in my life, I saw where healthy, safe relationships existed, and I let go of the rest.


One last bit of advice I wish I had back then....Your timing, not theirs. They were unfaithful. They do not get to control the timeline on your grief or your recovery. That is why I suggest a divorce. Your marriage is dead. Whether you want to marry this same person again some day is a choice ONLY you can make. You wouldn't be asking around if you truly believed that you are in a safe relationship, because right now, you aren't.

I wish I could hug you from here. I know how painful this is. Find a non-judgmental friend that will hold you accountable and remind you of your worth and value. It does not and must not come from the person who violated and betrayed you.


Yes, it is scary.
Yes, it hurts.
Yes, we worry about our kids, grandkids, extended family.
Financially, it's a blow.
Money can be made. Peace can not be bought.

Would you date a person that cheated in a previous relationship? You might consider it. But in reality, I think we give spouses FAR too much leeway. We don't set high expectations for them and their treatment of us, therefore, they don't treat us how we deserve. Remember - people will treat you with the respect and integrity that you allow.

I have no regrets. I stood - because it was what I wanted. His treatment of me does not diminish me, it diminishes him.