Steve_Treading Water

[sandi2]

There is only so much advice you can read before you start taking it. Thank you guys. I had to stand up to this tonight and look it in the eyes.

It's good you stood up and looked "it" in the eyes. Do you know what "it" was?

I'm wondering if you have tried to grasp DBing with all the books and new information you've read........but there's something you aren't linking together, or you're misunderstanding the timing of when where and how. If you don't understand the basic, then you'll continue to miss the mark.

The biggest issue standing in your progress, IMHO, is that you won't let go of your W. By that, I mean everything you do and say is linked to getting her back. And it's this very thing that causes you to leap when you should change nothing and hold the line.

You have to cut the rope you have tied to her, in order to save yourself......and hopefully, save your children. Steve, do you understand why board members were upset that you spent the night with your W? Although there was no sex, you and W slept in the same bed...... with your five year old child. Some people don't have a problem with their child sleeping in the bed with them, but this isn't the heart of what I'm talking about this night. It is the mental/emotional effect it has on a child to experience living with parents who split, and one parent (mother) has another adult (OM) move in and sleep in daddy's place. Then suddenly, OM is gone and mom & daddy are sleeping together, with the child, and telling her they are going to be together again. If you think this will not shape how she develops, and especially how she relates to men and women relationships........just wait.

You were determined to make sure your kids got moved out of their mom & OM's love nest. You wanted to be on the scene, b/c it was as a big deal to you. Okay, I don't know if you thought there would be a physical altercation with OM......but whatever, its' okay. My point here is the emotional/mental protection your child needs. Kids need a little time to adjust when they are experiencing these big life changing events. You and the mom may be still legally married, and the child may have been delighted to hear what mom was saying, but it was a lot emotionally to pour on her at one time (physically sleeping together and being told a fantasy). IMHO, it would have been better for her to see that OM is really gone for good, and that her parents are being friendly and causally spending a few minutes together once in a while. But for the two of you to go from an invite for dinner at the house, to sleeping together the same evening.......and with the five yr old child, seems way too much......and way too fast. (Did you hear anything about why you don't allow a WW to come back too soon and too easily?)

Being a good dad and putting your kids first.........is not defined by just playing with them when it's your turn to have them. Some dads try to be like Santa Clause and/or compete with the mom to be the most loved parent. This is not putting what's best for the kids first. I'm not accusing you, I'm just saying this isn't all there is to being a great dad. Now that your W has once again said she doesn't want to be in a MR with you.........how will that be explained to this child? She just went through sleeping between her parents and hearing how they are going to be family again. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? She was given false security by her parents only to have it snatched away by her parents. Can you see the whole psychological picture of sleeping between mommy & daddy, while hearing how wonderful the future will be? Do you understand how a little child learns to distrust signs of comfort, closeness, security, hope, etc.? Wasn't this what was offered the little girl? Maybe it all came from her mother, but where was daddy? What was daddy saying?

I'm not trying to beat you up. I really want you to understand what we are trying to say. You cannot afford to make changes or decisions based solely on your W, b/c she is too messed up. She's going to have her kids as messed up as she is, if they have nobody looking out for them. As a man and a father, you must follow your moral integrity, values, standards, etc..........or turn to someone who has these things and can teach you how. We keep telling you to leave her alone while you heal and do right toward your children. Why do you think we all say those things to you?

I'd just like to know what the heck you were thinking when you went from accepting a dinner invitation at her house to spending the night there. Well.......I think I can guess at what you were thinking......"Reconciliation here I come"...... but maybe my real question is did your brain think about any of the board's warnings? Steve, true reconciliation will not come like your W tried to portray that night. It's just not that simple anymore. Too much has happened, and too much damage has been caused. To think dinner and a sleep-over is how you begin a R, is not realistic. It's the movies, but not real life. Your W may have mental issues or whatever, but it just adds to the problem. She's not ready to settle down and be a faithful wife. She pulled one of the oldest tricks of waywards......except, sex is usually involved. I think that's why she had the child sleep in the same bed, so there wouldn't be sex . This is nothing more than emotional manipulation. When a wayward gets serious about coming back to the MR, they will ask what they need to do (what work do they need do, what changes do they need to make, etc.). Your W is nowhere ready. She's nowhere close to being serious.

So now you've called her out about her inappropriate stuff, and she tells you this is how she's going to be. Now what, Steve? Seems nothing has changed with your W. Did you seriously think it had????

((hugs))