I honestly have no idea what to do right now... I don't even have the strength to carry the weight that I'm oppressed with.
Here you will find a group of people who are in various stages of the journey you are just beginning. This is going to be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you've ever been through. But you will survive it and probably even thrive afterwards. Just take a deep breath and understand that you have the gift of time.
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My normally amazing husband snapped in May of 2020, after selling our business, relocating, and a major injury of mine. Words of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" quickly arose, along with claims that our marriage has always been bad, that I've given him a life of "trauma", and then a rapid move to researching divorce attorneys. He has been caught in the guilt of it all and hasn't been able to pull the trigger.
This is not at all uncommon. He's torn between his current life and his fantasy life. Your job is to remove all pressure from him. Pull back and give him time and space. No R talks! LBS's all feel like they have to do something to put the M "back to normal" but it's not that simple. Please try and embrace this idea- doing nothing can be very effective in these situations.
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I have been watching and waiting for something to change.
Don't watch or wait, because it will drive you crazy. Start working on your own life without him, even if you're still under the same roof. Get out and GAL. Become more independent.
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I would have let him leave months ago, but we have 4 beautiful young children, and I can't imagine their world crushed, their psyches damaged and destined to repeat this sickness with divorces in the future, just as my husband is repeating his own parents' fate. I can't even fathom having them every other weekend, or court battles. I'm scared!
Keep your focus on the kids, help them through these struggles, get them into counseling if they need it. This will be a tough time for them but they will come through it OK with the help of you and your H. I had the same concerns about my 3 kids but they are all doing fantastic now. And despite my XW and I never reconciling, we have a strong relationship with each other and with our kids. It's been 10 years for me and our kids are now grown and building successful careers. One is engaged to be married later this year.
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There's an obsession developing with another woman, as well. Not love, but limerence. She feeds him with videos about narcissists and he actually believes it describes me, as he runs from me and locks me out of our bedroom, and refuses to take accountability for the damage he is creating. He wants me to apologize for everything bad I've ever done, and I HAVE. I've taken the blame and said he's right, and it's still not enough.
If you've apologized then no need to keep doing so. Learn about listening and validating, validating is much more powerful than apologizing. And the beauty of validation is you're listening to him and acknowledging his feelings without taking personal blame or responsibility for them.
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He's waiting for something to happen in business, and once it does, he plans on filing for divorce. How? HOW can I prevent this?
You can't prevent D, it only takes one person. Your goal is to make a life for yourself, and then way down the road when he comes out of the tunnel and looks at you, he'll find a strong, independent person that he can't resist being attracted to again.
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When will it end? When does withdrawal end? When will it be ok? How bad will it get? Will he lose interest in this stupid woman? Will he ever come back to his senses?
It will probably take you 1-2 years to recover. Some recover faster, some slower. But you WILL recover. He will probably lose interest in OW, but it's likely there will be another and another after that. So you're not in a waiting game where that will fizzle and then things will be "normal" again. Your old normal is gone and you've got to build your "new normal".
