Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (4)

[Adam04]

hey dunn,

You're right. Let me get an update going while the coast is somewhat clear.

I'll try to get right to it and talk about the MR. It's going pretty good. 9 months about from last update and I can't complain about one thing. I think she and I have both grown and have become better at communicating and putting the relationship first.

For those not familiar, it was Aug 2018, I caught W lying about who she was with on a work lunch and I went crazy. That night she BD me after coming home to seeing all her stuff destroyed. I did all the wrong things, asking her to stay, asking her to work it out for the kids, did all the crappy begging and pleading. 2 months in, I found this forum. Read the MWD books and started to make changes. We had an in house separation for several months and I focused more on myself and my boys. I had a lot of free time and exercised, lost 80+ pounds. We sold the house and I got an apartment like 5 minutes from where we had our new home built. She kept the new home. We started 50/50 split of the boys, I had them one week and she had them the next. This went on for a little while. I remember having her over to the apartment one day while I was cooking dinner for the boys and she just couldn't stop crying. She said she had that big empty house and that it felt empty. It felt like we took it slow. She would invite me over for coffee in the mornings and I'd go over. We'd talk. Then I was over there more. I wasn't sure what would happen and it felt like I was playing it by ear from what I remember. I would be in my apartment giving updates and then going from there. One time I think she felt the pressure. Maybe I asked her some questions or something happened, the details are here in past posts. She wasn't sure. Maybe she wasn't sure if I had changed or if it was for good. I started to see a therapist and she did too. We were still working out our issues. Mine was trust. In time, I began to trust her again. She didn't fight back. We discussed rules , timeouts, safe words to use if things escalated. We would revisit if we had to. I could tell her therapist was helping her break down years of being programmed a certain way. She is a conflict avoider.

Well, in the last 9 months...

As some may know, we reconciled. Not only that, but I'm a changed man for the better. We both are better. I think it took me changing for her to see the change and she too hopped on board.

W and I have gotten better at communicating which means no more shouting matches. No more blame games, or you always do this or that or you never do any of this. We are both aware of some of our old bad habits and we don't want to go back to that.

I have no inkling that she is rebellious or being disrespectful to our marriage. She isn't off trying to sneak to places she has no business being. She doesn't try to embarrass me in front of the kids or anyone else. She doesn't utter things under her breath. There is no GGW attitude. No being sneaky about her phone. She is transparent, leaves her phone around any time of day. I have access to it and passwords. She is on life 360 and also shares her location with me on her phone.

What is the biggest change for both of us? IMO, our communication.

I have to admit, I used to see this woman as the person dragging me down and I wondered why did I ever marry her. She didn't do this or that, which in turn made me no longer want to do things either. My life was a downward spiral. I wasn't being honest with myself or her nor owned my mistakes. Maybe it was pride, or resentment or a bad combination of different things. I had some of that nice guy syndrome. Getting angry at her for not giving me what I wanted in situations where she didn't know what I wanted. I had these expectations like she outta know what made me happy. I put my happiness on her. Pretty unfair. I read here a while back from some of the old vets, that sometimes the spouse who actually wants out will do things to force the other person to pull the trigger and BD.

I love my W, but I stopped nurturing our relationship because I wasn't happy.

Now though? After BD, when my ego was shattered and my trust broken, my head in a daze, it took me a while to regain my senses. I had to look at myself and work on the things I wanted to change like my anger. I worked at being a better more responsible person in general. I'm more thoughtful.

After this new recharge of self, when I said I was the prize, I'm a fun, funny guy, after going for what made me happy and realizing I'm in control of my happiness and emotions, the veil was lifted. The fog was gone. I'm a Christian making a honest, decent living. Once I could see clearer, I was reminded of who I was and am. This experience humbled me.

I almost lost something not just important to me but to my sons and to her, the family structure and the unity. I have this second chance, and its something I am thankful for every day. I see her differently. This is still the woman I chose to be with and made vows with. I am crazy in love with her like a renewed appreciation. This makes it easy to fill up her love bucket with love tokens. I own up to my mistakes and she has in her own ways tried to make amends. We've had so many talks at nights or at the table or waking up together and having small talk during morning coffee. Once I stopped blaming her for my issues and I owned mine, I saw her in a different light. I no longer was resentful towards her. She had basically told me the same thing. She stopped resenting me for things in her life. Some of that was due to our lack of communication. When she realized she was a runner through some therapy sessions she found out some of the whys which helped her in our relationship and even with her mom. She too has some nice guy syndrome. Trying to be passive and not argue to make peace yet still harboring ill feelings because she doesn't fee like she can say what she wants. Through the last couple years she has been able to open up more. Learning to validate and just to listen without trying to own the conversation has helped go a long way. W has said she loves the way we communicate and that its much more effective now. She said she didn't think we could talk things through the way we do now.

I was listening to this audio book suggested from another post I recently commented on I believe, the book is Tough Love. The thing the author said that is the relationship killer before there is lack of communication or issues with it is the thought that one of the people feels trapped. That hits it on the nose as to why we should keep our lives exciting and taking them along for the ride.

W said she loves our date nights and cant wait for the next one. She said she enjoys our time again when its only us and we can laugh and talk about things, not the kids or work or home life. How do I know my W is back? Sandi mentioned a few things for starters to see early in my post. I mentioned above how she is not secretive, not trying to go out, she is trying to be visible.etc. She is also trying more in many aspects, from intimacy, to having shared interests. We both are proud of our boys and she is proud of how they are being raised. I never faltered there and I'm proud of that. I have obedient, respectful boys who are living and enjoying their lives. Our older one played football this year and it was fun to watch him and I loved how we both were able to cheer him on and talk about his achievements. Then our second one is so different. We took him out to learn to ride his bike today. He and we were so proud. We are back sharing the same parenting style.

My W wakes up earlier than she needs to to make me coffee every day and she hasn't missed a beat in a long while in giving me those long lingering kisses with the I love you's. We share quick texts to catch up sometimes thru the day. Sometimes she tells me she is having a hard day. I listen and validate. With some of those online classes, its truly difficult for the parents and the kids. When there are technical failures or things aren't clear, it can get chaotic.

We are spending time slowly finding pieces to complete our home. We'd put it together and we work together more on things, I try to be that partner she said she had been missing out on.

Getting late and she and the kids came to the room.