Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

You might not be, that's ok IMO.

My X has always been an amazing dad. His love for them is unconditional. No question. If he was a (censored) dad - I don't know that I would do.

To clarify - I respect him as a person. Period. Full Stop.

I don't respect any of his behaviors and as long as they continue I am happy to stay far far away from him.


I was a good wife. I was faithful and loyal and took excellent care of him, house, kids, ranch etc. I had eyes for no one but him. He's not terribly attractive anymore but I always saw Thor when I looked at him. I took care of myself and was an amazing mom.

But I was hard after the BD in 2011. I was battling demons and spewed it out all over him. In 2016 I lost my sister and lost my mind. I battled depression for years (before my sister died, losing her was when I spiraled). I tried different therapists, meds - you name it. It took 7 years! (he said 18 months to late, but whatever) Side note - EMDR therapy saved my life. Treatment for PTSD. I HIGHLY recommend it.

This might sound confusing - I had depression prior to his affairs in 2011. It took until around 2015 for us to truly reconnect. In 2016 lost my sister - spiraled. Around the same time I was seeing 'attention-seeking behavior' on his part. BD #2 2017 - I found EMDR therapy and excellent IC.

Sometime before BD #2 I remember one day he said "I have been deployed 3x, I've been shot at (he listed out so many things that would terrify most people) - But a little 5'4" woman terrifies me." And I could see it in his eyes. He was terrified of me. Little did I know that he was dealing with internal chaos already. But I was in the pit and didn't notice. I just thought he was cruel for shoving my mistakes in his face.

When I saw an inappropriate text - I would lose it! Screaming and carrying on like the world was ending - and to be fair, he had zero coping skills (then or now) and would do things to twist me up. I.e. One time I was crying on the floor and he said "look at you. Ridiculous. You need help".

Now - some could (and did) argue that he didn't have big enough britches to be my partner, and they would be right. He needed to work on his stuff (and obviously didn't) turned to alcohol and women to solve his problems. He has zero boundaries and people have tried to tell him, but now he is so far out there IDK what rock bottom will have to look like for him.

So instead of wishing that things could have been different, and that I might have found good help sooner, and that he would have gotten help at all --- I can accept that it happened how it was supposed to and be thankful for the healing in my own life. My rock bottom was my biggest blessing. It was what I (apparently) needed when as someone put it - I refused to grow so life made it impossible not to.

I think my compassion also comes from knowing how he would feel about himself if he could take an honest look at himself. I've said it before - he said he hates himself. I believe him. I would, too.

I know how I felt when I started peeling back my layers. I did a lot that I was ashamed of. That pain of facing that was almost unbearable. I can have compassion without empathy. That's where I am today. Learning the difference.

I told him at our last R talk (couple years ago) that I wish he would have treated my depression/PTSD as "precious". He scoffed and said "Nothing about that is precious!!" But I said - treat it as precious in that you care for me and protect me. You don't do anything or allow anyone else to throw fire on me.

Today - I can do that for myself. But I know with certainty that any R I have in the future - I'm going to be straight up with the guy and say - what are your coping skills? lol If I spin out - do you have boundaries? Are you sure enough in who YOU are that you understand that my depression (if it comes back) has nothing to do with you?



Holy cannoli I got wordy!!

Also - I just ordered Gates of Fire!!!!