Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

I remember reading that comment about labeling MLC!!!! I walked it out in my head.

In the beginning, and for a long time, I needed my X to have MLC, PTSD or a tumor or [i]something!/i], anything because I couldn't reconcile a man I had spent 23 years with just up and destroying all of our lives like this (his particularly).

But with time, it failed to matter. I didn't need that 'something' - I needed to accept that he has behaviors that are unacceptable to me. No matter the reason why or a possible medical diagnosis: he no longer shares my values and he no longer values me.

I had to actually list - over and over - my M as it was in the end and not the fairytale I was imagining due to being discarded. Most of us struggle with that. Several posters are doing it right now. Clinging to a relationship that is harmful, hurtful and unsafe. But I had to get there in my own time and in my own way, and so do they.

I had be completely real and honest about what our MR was - and not what I wanted it to be nor what it was for the first 15 years. While X was rewriting history - it appeared so was I - swinging the pendulum to the opposite direction.

I remember thinking one day - I wouldn't go on a second date with X, let alone a MR or LTR. A lot of healing came with that realization. But also a lot of grief. It was sad to let him go. But reality was what it was and I was strong enough to admit it.

But the love remains. And it's not because he's father of my children etc. It's because I choose to. I grew up with and shared more than 1/2 of my life with that man. Yes, he changed. His behaviors now, who he is now, fundamentally - mean that I have to stay away from him - physically and emotionally.

I have peace with this type of love, but it took time and work to get here. I want to choose for myself what I do going forward - taboo or not, accepted by others or not, agreed with or not - because I've earned that (censored) right.