How am I going to do this? Should I do this? (2)

[Mar252]

Went out this evening with my sister and her BFF and had a few drinks, Back home now and all I want to do is call my W. Haven't spoken to her in about a week. Desperately want to hear her voice instead I am here posting. Trying not to give into my emotions.I am slightly intoxicated and all I want is to reach out to her. Trying not to as I know it will only lead to heartbreak. She has no desire to speak to me.

[Traveler]

Hi Mar, I'm glad you had a good evening with your sister and her BFF. Is there anything that might help you finish off a good evening--a jog to work off stress, a warm bath relax, reading Tolstoy to fall asleep, writing more here? It's tough, and we've been there. Hang in there.

[Mar252]

I called my D24 instead of my W. She is a new social worker working with teenagers and young adults. She told me about a particularly tough case with a 16yo client. It was a brief conversation but good. Asked her if her mother had told her I was coming home next week. She knew I am coming home next week Friday. Asked her how her mother was doing. Just told me she was stressed work. I did not ask for more details. Told her I would speak to her soon and was was looking forward to seeing her next week.

[Mar252]

OMG, why am I sitting here with tears streaming down my face???? Why can't I just accept the fact that my W is gone???

[97Hope]

Mar - I'm so sorry. Breathe. I do tactical breathing techniques.

Get something - a ball, socks, anything - pass them back and forth from one hand to the other.

Look around the room you are in - say out loud the things you see.

You are flooded with emotions - the alcohol probably brought it to the surface. You will be ok.

Feelings are finite. You are not alone. Breathe. Pray. If it's not to late get out and take a walk or run.

This will pass. It's a wave. Ride it out. ((((big hugs))))

[97Hope]

OMG, why am I sitting here with tears streaming down my face???? Why can't I just accept the fact that my W is gone???

1. Because you were handed a (censored) sandwich and it stinks and you didn't deserve it. It's ok to hurt. You won't stay there in the hurt. You will move through it.

2. Because you are a kind, loving, caring human who loved her wife and your trust was violated. That's on her. NOT YOU. It's ok not to accept it just yet. Acceptance is a stage. You will get there.

xx

[Mar252]

Hope,

The alcohol is definitely not helping. I am not a big drinker. Never have been. Had about 4 drinks tonight and struggling with the emotions. Just sitting here trying to breathe and not give into the feelings. I refuse to give in and call her.

[97Hope]

You are making a great choice not calling her.

You will be ok. You already know that the alcohol isn't helping you regulate your emotions, so you can remind yourself that this will pass.

I fasted from alcohol during this mess. It helped me. Might consider it given that you aren't a big drinker to begin with.

Don't forget to drink water. (((((mar)))))

[97Hope]

Good morning Mar. Thinking of you!!

What's the plan for today and this weekend?

Stay strong, my friend. You are not alone. ((hugs))

[Mar252]

Hi Hope,

Proud of myself for not giving in and calling her last night. Didn't do anything today except work a bit this morning, read and watched TV. Quiet day. Hoping tomorrow is a nice day so my sister and I can take a ride to the beach.

Just taking it one day at a time. Past couple of days have been tough. W and I have been fully NC a week now and it has been tough. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her in 22 years. I keep telling myself to get used to it as I know we will be getting divorced.