Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[97Hope]

The reason I want to let go of any feelings towards AP is that I just really don't want her taking up any of my mental bandwidth. I don't like having rage in my body and head. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I think she's gross and I want a life that doesn't involve her one bit. Not me trying to be zen master for the sake of it. Purely selfish on my part.

Good!! It's time for May's healing. If you call putting the oxygen mask on yourself being "selfish"...ok?? But be careful not to judge or shame yourself (or allow anyone else to) while you take time to heal. I might be projecting here but I've felt guilty in the past for feeling certain ways and that can mess a person up. I didn't choose my feelings, but I learned how to process them and choose responses to them. Still working on that one. Another process. Ain't life grand?! lol

I used the Finding Nemo class on anger/grief/pain - When they got to the trench - they were supposed to swim "through it not over it"...I know that you will get there. Part of the process.

Of course what I really want is a life that never involved her in the first place. I've been spending some time here the last day or two in my head, p!ssed all over again at my H for being such a complete d!ldo. Ugh. And trying to reconcile somewhat the fact that he DID those things but he isn't DOING them now, how to not take my anger at the past out on the present. We can't go back and change things that happened, as much as we might wish we could. I guess I still just have a ways to go here.

But you are doing the work and that will not go to waste. Part of that is working through the emotions. You are on your journey of healing.

I'm so glad that you are still here. You were always such a source of comfort and understanding.

big hugs ((((may)))) Just keep swimming ; )