She said she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc, she just needs time to see if we can do this before she agrees to move forward together" that is what she said.
I've heard this same speech so many times, and it is nothing more than securing you as a backup plan. WW's have a knack for twisting things around and talk as if it's up to the H to do this & that before she agrees to go back to him. It's verse two of the old song, "It's all my husband's fault". Look, you are the betrayed, so it should be obvious who calls the shots for reconciliation.
Although I've not met her in person, I can tell she is not remorseful yet. Women can turn on tears and have the sad face when it works for them. If nothing else, what she said in the quote above is showing a woman who is not humble nor remorseful. Plus, she talks out of both sides of her mouth.
This is a critical time, Steve. This is when you really need to pump up GAL (without her involved in it). She wants you available for her (and of course, she makes sure to throw in the kids, b/c she uses them to her benefit). She doesn't want to set you free, yet she wants to be free. So all that malarkey about no interest in dating, means nothing! I'd dare say she is already looking around for the next guy. How nice for her, living with her parents, having you show up everyday to hangout, and being free to see other men. She even has built in babysitters.
She hooks you by waving the reconciliation cue card without mentioning that she's willing to do specific & necessary work..... or asking YOU what she would have to do to save the M. Look at it again. She's worried about which person? Herself! She doesn't want to feel uncomfortable. So, yeah, she had rather just pick back up without actually following any type of piecing plan. And you? Do you know what needs to be put in place, in order to heal and work on the MR together? Have you read any posts that talk about a plan or stipulations? If you just let her waltz back through the door without having her agreement to full transparency and no contact of any type with OM, and her agreement to professional marriage therapy.........then you're set for another repeat of the same old cr@p. I'm pretty sure I've posted to you on this very subject.
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I dont expect anything to really just magically get better. If we have not made any progress, if her actions dont match her words on our 10th anniversary coming up feb 19th im going to ask to push the divorce forward. I have not told her this but if she cannot start to work on the right path and show me something real in the next month and some change I got no reason to be married to her.
I suggest you don't tell her. If you want to set a date for yourself, there's no need to tell her she has to show you she's working to change. Here's the reason why. She can pretend to show you enough breadcrumbs, you'll convince yourself she is trying to change. Since you aren't detached as much you need to be, you're still hanging on to any grain of hope. It's easy to see what you want to believe. One reason for detaching is to help you stay objective and have 20/20 vision in what's really going on.
This critical time is where so many LBH's fail, b/c they let the WW come back too easily. Please post as often as you can. When we don't hear from you for several days, it worries me! ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
