Eagle, I just want to say I am happy for the newfound resolve and peace you have gained. Bravo. And your being a great mom is the loveliest gift for your very fortunate children. Keeping your family in my thoughts. May your H eventually find his way out of the intergenerational(? given his uncle) pain.
Hi Apsara, I just read your story and I'm sorry you are here as well. I too was active on the forum from a distance for almost 18 months before I actually wrote done my story. I'm so happy I did.
2 weeks post BD2 whereby H stated he wanted a divorce and again the ILYBNILWY story. (+ informed family & friends via phone a week later)
...and I'm actually doing just fine, the burden disappeared. Is it because BD1 was almost 2 years ago, because I finally found peace as I don't have to deal with the MLC madness anymore, because I actually can make plans to move forward in my life (and not stand still or go backwards anymore), don't know what is it but I'm not feeling bad, angry or sad.
Big help as well is that I didn't hear from him anymore and I hope this will be the case in the future as well. I can fully let him go now.
I can imagine I'm not there yet and I most likely will have a relapse, but for now I wanted to share with you that I'm just fine
Hi Eagle3, just catching up on a bit of your sitch. Glad to hear you're doing fine.
MLC & a pandemic. Exciting right? Let's through in a divorce too. Oh 2020, what a year. I am jokingly thankful to XH ending our marriage in 2020. There are thousands of relationships that went sour, and we are part of that history! There will be a T-shirt for it I'm sure.
Keep on keeping on. Be the best you and all that jazz you've already read. There will be ups and HIGHS and there will be lows.. and not wanting to get up. Dust yourself off, cry if you need to, eat crappy for one day if it makes you feel better and talk to your friends.
Best to you, from one bird to another
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
First I didn't know how to react...but then I asked him if he would like to call about it. He said no, currently in meetings.
I aswered how he knew, he replied "colleague from former job (they both used worked at the same place) and "then verified on the internet". (they broke up between 8 to 10 months ago so this will be correct)
I answered that he could call me if he wanted to and that he didn't had to put the blame on himself.
Don't know if I handled right, simply followed my heart.
Now I'm terrified what this will do to him. Has anybody any thoughts of what this potentially can do?
I checked as well and he speaks the truth, she did pass away.
I think you handled it really nicely and consistently with your heart -- which is good when you have such a good heart. I wouldn't follow up though, unless he reaches out to you and you are still feeling open to it.
Read what DnJ said on my post about fear. There are many outcomes of what this will do to H, but none of them are in your control. This event can be triggering for him or it can feed his false narrative, you have no way of knowing. You did the one thing you can do -- you were kind to him.
In a certain way, if you think about it, were he in a normal state of mind, he would probably not even need to tell you about that. It's part of his very sad drama but in a certain way not necessary for you to know unless it was part of a reconciliation process.
From the outside it is clear that OW1 had some very serious issues that had nothing to do with H and that he was drawn to someone who was not well because that is what MLCers do. Self destructive behavior was the name of the game the whole time -- and it destroyed your family along the way -- her suicide is just a very hyperbolic and sad example of how self destructive she was. People don't do that over a breakup who are otherwise mentally healthy.
All we can do as LBSers in the face of all this destruction is to walk in the light and protect our kids as much as we can - and pray for all these lost souls, even when their lostness impacts us with such devastation.
Last edited by Gerda; 01/25/2103:03 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
H contacted you and shared the information. Offering to speak with him is very good. Cordial, kind, compassionate. H obviously informed you for a reason. He may not know the reason, other than a feeling, however a reason nonetheless.
You followed his lead. Well done. Offering to talk lets him set the pace and time until when/if he is ready.
Such a sudden message is difficult to quickly respond to. I think you did fine. I would suggest not bring up blame or his lack of blame. The act of bringing it up, even under the don’t blame yourself, places the focus upon it, and he will think blame. It’s like don’t think about purple elephants, and now your thinking about purple elephants.
H will bring up that which he needs to discuss. I’ve little doubt he will feel some blame and guilt; see if he calls and what he brings up.
As to the potential of what this may do. That’s hard to predict. H is emotional and this will be some pressure.
I understand you are terrified of what this will do to H. The negative possibilities do tend to jump out first. The purple elephant in the room being suicide. H believes OW1 killed herself, and he brought that up. Leave that trail there, no need to follow it further. People always extrapolate given data, even when it isn’t actually of the same dataset. If something indicates your needed direct involvement or taking charge do so then, otherwise be patient and let God.
Look to hope. The positive possibilities. H may look at his life, the fragility of it. He may realize some things. These are the events that affect people. Significantly altering their lives. That change may go unseen for sometime as it grows within them, eventually emerging. In which way, and in which direction H will be affected is to early to tell. One can hope though.
You followed you heart and did well.
OW1 was a person. Most likely a hurting person. Affairs and everything else aside, it is sad (if true) she took her own life. So telling of a person lost in too much pain.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your response was excellent. He needed to tell someone and hope that you would listen. Very sad if she actually committed suicide.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your responses, DnJ, Gerda and Job. Really appreciated.
From the information I found I’m pretty sure it is indeed suicide. (Thoughts I read on the tributes page they made for her) She must have been a broken person indeed.
I can’t stop thinking about it. This is about a women I’ve never met, yet really feeling sorry for her and her family now.
And only 1,5 year ago I had sleepless nights thinking about my H and her together and my thoughts weren’t all that pretty back then of course.
Such a mixed feelings...
He replied back a few hours later:
“Thank you for your kind reply. I informed you because I thought it was important for you to know since what happened between us in the past.”
Told him: Thank you for informing me and if you want to talk, I’m here.
This week I’m having a surgery planned (nothing serious, but under full anesthesia) He never bothered asking how I would arrange with kids, work, if I needed help etc. and now suddenly:
“I know your surgery is planned for this week? Please let me know if I can do anything and inform me how it went?” (Can’t do much since he is 7.000 miles away...??)
I replied all is planned well and that MIL and sister are ready to help me out the first week with kids, groceries, meals, laundry.
There goes my boundary of going dark on him. Worked for 2 weeks though.
But simply can’t find it in my heart to ignore him now. This just wouldn’t be right and I would hate myself for it.
