Steve85 - You made some really good points. Its tough, but I think what you said makes sense. I can't pull her closer, I can't pursue her either. She needs to close the gap.

LH - Man, that is a harsh truth - that the divorce is so that we can date other people and she will need to do that so that she can make a decision. I appreciate you saying that, I'm going to have to sit with that and internalize that truth.

And yes LH, I gave her my man card; at the time I felt it was the only way to save the marriage. I'm not really sure that anything would have worked once she had the affair. She was gone before that and never really came back after that.

And I don't have much faith in her ability to handle it all on her own. She couldn't handle working and the kids when we were together and I was doing a lot of the work. She had to quit her job because she couldn't hold it all together. AND I was still doing half the work around the house for the last year!

And Ginger1 - She makes bad decisions on repeat, that is why I think she will hit rock bottom. She has never in her life been able to balance work and life. It was always a significant struggle for our relationship, I just can't see how she will do it now, especially because the place she went to work has a clock in / clock out mentality. She has had full reign to do whatever she wanted for the past 9 years - complete freedom of choice. She has not been dealing in reality for a while.

Now, you imply a good question, did I like her being dependent on me?
No. I liked giving her the freedom to choose what she wanted out of life, but I was repeatedly disappointed with her lack of effort, lack of contribution, lack of balance when she worked, and laziness. And on top of that, she would then turn around and tell me that I needed to do more continually. As an example, in November, when she was supposed to be looking for a job she went to the pool for a couple of hours because it was open and we had a nice day. It blew my frigging mind.

And I do think you are right, we had (have) a weird relationship where in a way I have felt more like her father but at the same time she treats me like she's my mother. Its really screwed up. We were partners in a failing relationship where neither of us felt safe enough to speak our minds and grow.

And to your last point - You're right. I do want her to hit rock bottom, I do want to be able to say I told you so, I do want to know in my soul that I was right. That IS NOT healthy. That is not loving. And that place is the source of a deep anger - which is probably born out of some deep fear; the fear being that maybe I am not good enough and she moved on and will have a better life. (ugh, that stung).

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In IC, I shared a dream I had with my counselor, because he asked that I pay attention. I told him that I felt like when I slept I was under attack by my unconscious because I would dream of her. He made the point that maybe it wasn't really about her, but about what she represented to me; the desire to be with a loving, soft, compassionate, happy, silly, sexy partner who cared deeply for me. My wife is a symbol of these things, though it is not who she is. That really resonated with me and I think that is the truth.

Which then gets me back to the way that when I am around her my body literally reacts to her presence and wants to be with her. You can read everything I wrote and easily see that Scott is going to be better off once he gets through this. But this core desire to be with her, that is from the body and of emotion pulls me towards her. Its so screwed up.