Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

So weird.

Had to contact X yesterday afternoon. Sent him the information so he could remove me from the accounts. He sent back 2 paragraphs about how he thought he had etc. etc.

After I did not respond he sent a text "I do not like your hat".

Its from a Dr. Suess book we used to read to the boys when they were little. An old inside joke between the two of us.

I don't know what came over me, but I responded "Baby, I love you, but I don't like your hat either."

I think it would take too long to explain, but I knew he knew what I meant. He replied with 4-5 texts laughing alone in a pasture in a tractor - thank you for a big laugh - he needed it. I responded something banal and went about my business.

A few minutes later he texts that "But, is often the case, it has transitioned to tears... alone.... on a tractor... you get the picture. "

I said happy tears I hope! he said I wish. I said "chin up young person" (movie reference we both used in the past) and sent "hugs".



Chatted a little bit after that - he flirted a little, but I avoided that.

He then sends a picture of a meal he is making and asks me if I want some.

I told him no thank you. I had already eaten.

Went for a short run - 1.5 miles. It was glorious. My phone was blowing up a little. Realized I was sending all kinds of random texts to people. just gibberish. Lost my case that I wear on my arm so had put it in my pocket.


One of those went to X - I explained that my phone was in my pocket and then S19 called.

S19 asked why I was out of breath - told him I had just finished a run, he asked me about cable and then X texted - did you have a good run?

Get a photo of the soup he made in a bag marked with "TGB" his nickname for me going back ages.



Long story longer - I think it might have been not a good idea to engage at all with him via text. I have been turning it over in my mind. What did I hope to gain by texting him back after initial info was sent?

1. It feels empowering when he pursues me.
2. It makes me feel (something- IDK yet still working it out) - that even though he has an OW - he still wants my attention, respect and admiration.
3. I like the banter. We have a history and it's feels good to be reminded of the good times.
4. I want to get to a place of peace and acceptance where he is who he is - and I don't judge it or punish him for it, I just continue on my journey.



If anyone has any opinion on this - swing away.

#1-4 - I'm not proud of some of these feelings, I'm being honest with you guys. I did evil grin when he flirted thinking "see that OW - you think you've won something, but it will always be me"

again - expressing my true emotions. Please go to town with the 2x4's but know it's not a brag.