I get it.... I'm only now speaking of years of abuse by my H because I was in denial. Even when my mom witnessed things I still glossed over and made excuses for him.

I'm just done.

I accept what happened. I accept that I made choices too.

The best thing for me to move forward is to give it a voice and put it to rest. I won't live there anymore. I have forgiven myself and my STBXH.

I had an amazing day though weird.... so weird. STBXH called in a panic puppy chewed off end of tail and bleeding profusely. It's my day off and I told him I'm leaving town at 2pm. If he gets to clinic before I leave I will see him or if its later I will instructions for staff.

I love this dog... my whole office loves this dog... told STBXH the decision was his bit it was time to lose the tail. As said as it is it will make everyone's life better including the puppy. While I'm checking in the dog my phone is ringing and I ignore. STBXH says your phone is ringing so i go to pull it out of my pocket to silence it and it's his mother... LOL.

So i answer because I'm meeting her for lunch in less than 2hr... she keeps talking. STBXH is trying to figure out what's going on by my end of convo and I finally mouth the word "you know your mother". Turns out after 2month of trying by everyone my SD19 is coming to lunch and I need to pick her up... woo hoo!!!!

I get back to hospitalize puppy... get on pain meds and schedule surgery tomorrow and let him know I may keep thru weekend to ensure he is recovering well. I turn to leave and send him on his way when he gets my attention and says if I see SD19 could I get a picture if she allows.... I can hear sadness in his voice as he has been trying to fix things with her. I said I would and left the room.

Now S19 is super stoked... they were so close!!! Lunch was awesome!!!!! I was in heaven watching those 2 together again. We then left for college.... and then STBXH was texting up a storm. Said he couldn't sleep as he missed his buddy. Went on to ask how lunch was... I just said AWESOME and that was it. Then he was asking about the insurance company and if I had my own acct. I reminded him he had separated our accts last spring.

I won't hate him. Not worth my energy. But, I will never tolerate his vitriol again. I will not participate in any fence mending between him and the kids... I used to... but its his burden and shame now. Not mine.

As for pilot... it is what it is... I was mistaken in that whole thing. If it was just FWB he would not have given 1 crap about how I was quiet or didn't care to get him to open up or understand his work personal like balance issues. He would not care that I was a married woman. I can't go back and start that over.

I was triggered by his behavior because I had not dealt and some can argue still haven't dealt with the trauma of my M. Many people who have been impacted by suicide first hand can't watch a movie where that's in there... they are triggered... that's what I liken it to. Had I known him better, had better trust, it been a lot longer after I dealt with my M I may not have been triggered at all... I was still too raw. I wasn't even in the same room with him when it happened.

Regardless... its done... my M and this crap situation with the pilot.