Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

Joe,

I wrote this sometime last year in my journal! I think it's incredible that you shared that with me. It means a lot. It's like you understand. : )



From my journal - Summer 2019

I have always excelled at throwing parties. I am an excellent hostess. So when it came time to throw my own grief-party, I went all out.

As I grieved, I let myself feel every emotion as it came. I didn’t tell myself not to feel anything, I just accepted it and named it out loud. Going back to my party analogy - All of my feeling showed up. I think I might have met emotions that I had never met before! “Welcome to my party, insecure. Have a seat, but don’t get comfortable. I will only visit with you for a time.”

“Oh boy, here comes guilt and shame, I didn’t realize they were a couple! Welcome, welcome, but you, too, may not move in, this is just an event we are all going to go through together for a bit.”
Fear came slamming in like an obnoxious guest that no one really invited, but they always show up anyway. They speak and act as if they know everything. The longer this type of guest stays and the more they spew, the easier it is to see them for what they are. Just plain full of it.

Dealing with fear isn’t easy. It’s not just that fear is a liar, but fear can be the absolute loudest voice in the room, with the closest semblance to truth there is without actually being truth. Fear can be difficult to deal with alone, so you’ve got to grab help and hold on, because the only remedy for fear is Truth. I called out to Truth, and at times it felt like they would not attend, but I refused to give up or give in and the moment Truth did show up - it was like an old friend, full of wisdom and knowledge and dignity and grace taking the lead and telling you,“breathe, sweet sister, I’ve got this”. When you hear truth, you have to listen carefully, fear being fear, he doesn’t leave easily. And you can’t evict him at first with muscle. You have to get to a point to be able to discern the difference.

So I listened carefully to Truth. I soaked up everything she said and I let it flow over me even though I could still hear Fear bloviating in the background. The more Truth I heard, fear became more and more apparently a liar. When Truth was a whisper, I called trusted friends to help me hear her more clearly. The amount of time my friends have spent praying over me is still almost unbelievable to me. Seek friends who will pray with you, for you and over you. Not only in the bad times, but the good times, too. Be a friend to pray for and over someone else. The body of Christ is powerful, but only if you are plugged in.

As these guests came and went and sometimes came back again, they became easier to manage. Much like a houseguest. The first visit can be a little awkward, honestly sometimes just brutal because you have no idea of what to expect, but once you understand them, they are manageable. And those who are just animals, well, you simply kick them to the curb before you let them cross the threshold again. You recognize them for what they are before they take a seat at the table. You realize that having dealt with them before, you know how to manage them. And sometimes, in management, you simply let them know how far, if at all, you are willing to accommodate them.

As a woman of faith, I believe that God, my Father in heaven, loves me more than I can imagine. I KNOW this. However; knowing this and reconciling it with all the pain I was trying to deal with was difficult. I realized that God is allowing these ‘guests’ in my home, but He hasn’t left me alone to deal with them and it is my choice in how to respond to them. I made a choice not to ignore them any longer. I chose healing. So I invited them in and learned from them. I became acquainted with my feelings in an effort to understand them and know them. They are not me. They are not my identity. They are my feelings. They have a place in my life, but they are not the sum total of my life.

I pray that the loudest voice in my head is always Truth. I pray that I continue to be blessed with friends that pour it over me when fear shows back up. I pray this for you right now. It is the prayer that is always answered with an unequivocal “yes”.