FlySolo... I like that imagery, blank paging, setting reset. Yes, harder said than done. All a WIP for me.
I know, intellectually, that OW is not a pile of dog$hit. She is a sad and sorry individual who made some very selfish (and in the end probably stupid) choices. From things my H had told me about her, back when we spoke about her, she had some real codependency issues that she heaped on to him. He was her "chosen family" and last spring before she reached back out she started seeing an IC to work on her abandonment issues from my H. (It boggles my mind that a woman who pursued an affair with a married man with two children who lived 5,000 miles away could believe herself to be "abandoned" when he didn't leave his wife for her.) She froze her eggs. God.
I say all this and I don't feel any of the anger or anxiety I felt back then. I still feel grossed out but it is less personal. Anyway, all to say-- while I want to get to a place where I can picture her as a flawed human being worthy of compassion, I am not there yet. I feel there's progress, though-- I no longer think of her as an evil harlot who spent 2.5 years of her life actively working to hurt me and my children, who might pop back up out of the blue like in a horror movie to throw another bomb into my life. So, there's that. And I'm glad I've made the progress I have here and am okay that I'm not to zen master level yet.
Her imprint on my life is still stinky and decomposing, but fading. H and I were looking at photos of a spring break trip that we took early on in the A, and there was a photo of the two of us with his arm around me and holding me close and both of us smiling big at the camera. A couple of months ago, that would have sent me into a bit of a spin, re-calibrating the entire trip based on the realization that he was cheating during that time, and would have surfaced a lot of anger for me. This time, it occurred to me. He squeezed my leg and said, that was a really fun trip, wasn't it? I said, yes. And didn't allow her to contaminate it in my head anymore. Even if he was being a total lying double-life leading $hit at the time, it doesn't take away from my own memories and experiences anymore. It's my life, my head, and I'm taking it back.
Wayfarer, so many of the things you wrote resonated with me. I'm still thinking on a lot of them. Here's where I am:
-- I know in my heart that my recovery is up to me and no-one else. You have really helped me understand this. It is empowering for me to regard it this way. I am doing better and better here, though every once in awhile I get frustrated and WISH that I had one of those husbands who was wild with remorse and begging on his knees for forgiveness and would do anything, ANYTHING for me to forgive him. That is my fantasy but not my situation. But your words here have really helped me.
-- I also know in my heart that my H's path is his alone too, and he has a whole $hitload of work in front of him. Not to spend too much time on him, but we've had several conversations over the past few weeks where I'm coming more and more to feel confident that this is real. He is easily saying now that he's sorry, he doesn't think about AP or love her anymore (he is frustrated that I kept bringing her into the conversation as he wants to focus on us and not her, but unfortunately he brought her in and I can't snap my fingers and banish her from my head, as much as I wish I could). He says he is glad to be here with me, that he chose me and is choosing me, he loves me, he never stopped loving me, I'm his best friend and life partner and love of his life. (Though when he says this it isn't like you describe, sweeping me into his arms or anything. it is more like an intellectual declaration of fact.) He says these things take time, healing and building our relationship back up. True. We've had a few conversations where he's brought up the SSM and how he felt about it, abandoned and alone and really really hurting. It is raw for him. He feels frustrated that I haven't wanted to talk about it, which was a boundary for me back when I felt like all he wanted to do was throw it in my face as a justification for his affair. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore, but I'm still not pushing on any conversations in that area quite yet. To him, I think the A is inextricably linked to the SSM and I'm starting to see it less as his excuse more as he was in pain and it was a bandaid for him. Not to excuse his behavior but that is what I'm hearing when we talk. I don't know what progress he's really made in understanding why he did what he did and reconciling it with his own self-image. He said the other day to me again that this is what he wants, a life with me. I said, great. But understand there is a lot of work that will need to be done on both our parts in order to have a happy and fulfilled life together, after what you did, and I need to know that you're ready to do that work. He didn't jump to a response on this one and I ended the conversation. So we will see where that goes.
-- I don't know that I agree I'm trying to cram piecing and R together... I really don't see us as piecing yet. I feel like we're both closer but not there yet. For instance in the last conversation above, I would expect him to say YES of course I will do the work, I know it will be hard but it will be worth it and I'm sorry, etc. Also, I'd love to see him do some work on his own to demonstrate his interest in healing our M, like figuring out MC insurance (as I said to Steve, he figured it out back when he was having a secret affair and wanted to go to MC as a check-off box in the path to D), reading the Shirley Glass book, etc.
-- My fear stopping me from taking that next step and the risk of letting H back in... yes, I think you are right. Last spring did really burn me. You're right in the "I'm not afraid for him to leave" not really being the whole of it. This will take some time, I think. I'm not there yet.
-- I think our friendship is strong. He makes me belly laugh at least once a day. We have spent some good 1-1 time together, snuck out for beers in the middle of the work day with the kids at school, exchanging backrubs most nights. We are watching Outlander (OMG JAMIE, hubba hubba) which I know he's doing mostly for my sake. This is like back to the old days when we'd choose shows and watch them together and share a drink and backrubs. For a long time we never touched on the couch, he'd always pour himself a beer and not say a thing to me, he'd turn on the TV to whatever he wanted to watch and I could object if I wanted but otherwise he clearly wasn't thinking about me. I didn't care so much as I would just work or read a book. But it does feel more together now than it did.
-- But the romance side? When was the last time I wanted to climb him like a tree, or he gave me butterflies? I think maybe what is scaring me a bit is that I'm starting to have butterflies, when he looks at me and smiles like he's really happy to see me, I get butterflies. And I am interested in sex with him, but not like it has been over the past couple of years, slam bam thank you maam or just plain fun exercise. I want the full package this time around. Even though I told him I was done for awhile, we did do it last week and it felt again like ML... sort of... but that scares the cr@p out of me because I remember so clearly thinking the same thing on our anniversary last April, and a month later he was back in touch with AP. So I told him again we need to take a break. He said ok. So, this is an area where nothing is really happening at the moment.
K, that's a lot, not even sure I'm hitting all of the questions you had. I think basically I am feeling better about things for myself, seeing a lot of changes in him but maybe not (yet) enough, scared about piecing, worried I'm being a fool. And of course totally flattened by everything going on in our country so there's that too.
Hope everyone is well... thinking of you all!!
xoxo May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
