Through The Storm IV

[KristinG]

Happy Wednesday All.

The signing went OK. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, epic fail there. We both shed some tears and it was hard, but I pushed through and that part is at least finished. I have ordered some more abstract oil paintings to fill my barren walls and will be going to look at paint choices this weekend. My friend used to be a painter and is going to do the entire open living room/ kitchen for a really fair price.

Ovr,

I'm sure you are correct. I have been more generous than I probably should. I know that I will most likely look back on this and say that I should have done less in the terms of the split. For me, I think that I would rather look back on it with those feelings than to have stood my ground more and things go sour. I want to be able to hold my head up and know that I simply walked away from a toxic relationship with class and dignity.

You're also right in that STBX is greedy in her selfishness to want both of us. I don't think she even realizes that she does it. I'm doing my best to detach and find my own happy. A lot of the angst I still feel is when I'm drawn into the pick me dance or the feelings of "what does she have that I don't". It's a fruitless endeavor and I'm trying my best to accept that she does not want the same things as I do, and that I deserve a partner that wants a committed relationship.

May,

I don't think I can do NC. Something about it just doesn't feel right in my soul. Maybe if she were hateful and venomous in the way she interacts with me it would be easier to go NC. Full stop. Maybe that's why I am still pulled to the allure. Not saying it is the healthiest thing for me, but I am trying to find acceptance and peace.

I feel like you and I have been in this together from the start. Your posts fill me with strength and hope for our futures. When I'm having a crumby day, I like to read your sassy posts and realize that I should be so thankful for my current circumstances. If May can do it with kids, a husband that is clueless as to what he almost / still could lose, and doing it all in a work from home environment, then I for sure can find some strength to get through this without any of those stressors. And yes to Wonder Woman! She's one of my favorites - such prowess!

Thank you guys for checking in as I know that I'm not here as much anymore. I fell into a hole of "do everything you can to fix it. YOU HAVE TO FIX IT." in my view of this platform and that's not the healthiest emotional state for anyone. This place has been such a help to get encouragement and a tough outlook when I needed it. Presently, I'm shifting my focus on this board to be more of a personal growth and journal of survival for myself. No more trying to fix something clearly broken and that I have no control over. YES to fixing myself and working to nurture my own self improvement.

KG