Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

Pretty uneventful day except I cried all the way home.

Baby steps some days.

I went to my new place of employment to handle some administrative work. I start officially on the 25th.

I don't know what happened. I was in the car headed home and it just hit me. For the past 3 1/2 years I have stood. It was lonely. It was hard. Of course I could have dated or found someone to keep the wolves at bay, but I didn't.
I was a faithful wife and a good friend.

I don't regret it. Just painful right now.
I know this will pass. I know I did the right thing. I know so much more than I did at the beginning of this journey...just hurts like heck.

"Hope does not put us to shame" ...my therapist reminded me of this years ago. I was slightly embarrassed by having hope for so long.
I'm not ashamed now. Just deeply sad.

IC appointment next Thursday. STI screen later this week.

I know that grief comes and goes. And I affirm that the waves are smaller, less intense, and less frequent than in the past.

I'm grateful for that - just feel raw tonight.

I know that once I start work I will be in a better place emotionally.

Signed up for a hike this Saturday. Women's group. Probably safer.

I'm so lonely I'd probably scare away any men at this point. rawr.