D became final in early December. I got the things I needed in the settlement, and life has been moving along. It's been a long 20-month journey, but I do feel better than I have in a long time. Kids are adjusting to things well thus far, and that has made it easier.
To those dealing with a WAS and who might be earlier in their sitches, let me say this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Sure, maybe you could done some things differently in retrospect, but this is all about your WAS and their issues. There is nothing you can do for them except to let them go to deal with their stuff. Whether you stand and stay married, separate and stand, or just move on, never lose sight of the fact that your life can and will be just fine if you do the work that is necessary.
I will continue to visit here and chime in with comments and updates as I can. Thank you all for the help and guidance over the last 20 months, you have no idea how much it has meant to me.
For me, I do not view D as an impediment to any possible R. I also do not view R as my end goal. I'm just moving forward, working on myself and doing all I can for my kids.
I wish all newcomers asking the board if there is hope for their M would read your statement.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Relationship with XW hasn't changed much. I make sure the kids are available when and if she asks to see them, etc. This has averaged about once out of every 10 days or so, usually only for an hour or two at a time. XW still stuck in the tunnel, drinking, smoking pot, going to see her boyfriend and his band play, etc.
I do not ever text or contact her first, and when she texts I do not respond unless its relevant to the kids or if there's a question asked. She got snippety recently regarding COVID vaccination for S12. We discussed via text (so I had in it writing) getting him vaccinated and mutually agreed to get him the vaccine, if he wanted it, which he did. Once that was decided, I went ahead and scheduled it. She sent me a nasty text saying that "she's still his mother" (this is her go-to line, "I'll always be their mother), and "it would have been nice if you told me about it so I knew." I simply responded that we had discussed this issue and mutually agreed to get him vaccinated. In my opinion, discussing plans and experiences with our sons is no longer a part of our relationship post-D. It's a boundary I won't cross.
I have been dating someone for the last 5 months and it's been absolutely awesome thus far. It's nice to be with someone who understands your value and doesn't take you for granted. Really amazing how things have changed for the better over the last 22 months, and it's only looking up from here.
I still check in with the board and follow many of your sitches. Keep your head up, everyone, and know that you are here primarily because of your MLC spouse, not because you are deficient in any way. Keep moving forward and working on yourself!
XW still stuck in the tunnel, drinking, smoking pot, going to see her boyfriend and his band play, etc.
Yo W good to hear from you. I know Ws of cover band members and that life gets old real quick. She is going to be in for a rude awakening when she wakes up.
WMLC good to hear from you. Wow, the drinking and smoking pot then wanting to take the kids concerns me, greatly. If you ever have the hint that she under the influence of either I would not allow them to go with her.
Good to hear you got the exchange on the vaccine in writing. WASs are notorious for pulling this kind of crap with the kids. "I never said that! I never agreed to that!" etc.
I'll be honest, I would rather you not being dating right now. Rs are hard enough with the specter of a D and a troublesome STBXW on your hands. Plus the idea after separation for the LBS is to learn how to be happy alone. But, it is your choice, you get to decide what is best for you.
Always appreciate posters giving us an update on what is going on!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand your point on dating. But D was finalized in December, and it was 18 months of separation and prior to that, so I felt ready to jump in the water.
I understand your point on dating. But D was finalized in December, and it was 18 months of separation and prior to that, so I felt ready to jump in the water.
WMLC
Sorry, forgot about the D going final! I'm that case I'm supportive!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
