Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

I hope you had a great Christmas and happy New Year (as much as it currently can be). It has been a long time since I posted so apologies in advance for the long post, please bear with me.

I have started 2021 convinced that nobody is coming to save me from this hell and determined to make it a good year. Even facing the reality that most likely I will divorce in 2021, I still want to make this the greatest year so far for the kids and myself. Apart form the usual work on my PIES, I have two ideas glued to my head.

1 - Not to pursue a person who does not want me in her life
2 - Cut communication to essentials and emergency for the sake of MY detachment.

Things have not changed much with W. We are NC and just exchanging the kids, when we do I make sure to be the first one to leave and to be focused on them. During the holidays W sent me a number of messages trying to talk about the presents for the kids for the sake of avoiding duplication. I ended up sending her a PM stating that we had nothing to discuss as I trusted she would choose presents adequately for her home and so I would for mine. She replied with an statement that I was not able to separate talking about us and the kids and that she was making the most to talk about everything related to the kids. I told her I understood her frustration but I was not going to have the conversation and moved on.

Christmas holidays have been way better than last year. Instead of spending everyday glued to my phone waiting for that message from W that never came, I put my phone away and chose to have fun with my family, friends and the kids. We bought fireworks, we dressed up S2 as a reindeer for the Christmas party at the nursery, I got them some great presents, I went out with friends, I met some women on occasional dates and I continued to exercise with the bike, running and playing tennis.

On New Year's eve I got a call from S7 I was not expecting and that made my day, I think they had a great time with me and we even went trail walking and I carried S2 on the backpack I bought during lockdown. I have also started to notice more interest from a few women, I think all the work on me, my hygiene, my new look, the hobbies I have been working so hard on and my renewed relationship with friends and the kids are starting to pay back, I just pray everyday that I can keep the good changes going. I continue to regain my self-esteem and ambition at work and have been contacted by a couple of companies for possible moves, I really needed this because I was feeling weak even on that aspect of my life that has always been one of my strengths.

Not all has been nice and easy, just on New Year's eve as I arrived home alone after being with my family I broke down and spent about an hour crying in the solitude of my home, then on the 1st January I had to go for a walk not to be alone with my thoughts and I have had days when I have seen W and had thoughts of why on earth can we not talk about our M and how can she have moved on this easily from all we had. I think a lot about the past and our lives in UK and Germany, and I mean a lot, I literally spend days remembering all I liked about Munich and how much I miss it, I really need to work on that and focus on the good things I have now or it is going to be permanent in my head.

I am reading NMMNG and I have quickly identified that I have always used being nice and good to get the approval of people and attract women, how naive! this book is going to rate as one of my unmissable ones.

Why haven't I filed? I still have that voice in my head that keeps shouting the right thing is for my family to be together if we can ever work our problems and I am terrified by the idea of that turning the sale of our house in Munich into more trouble and anxiety as it already brings me. I need to work on both of these issues.

Updated PIES from the man I aspire to be.
P - Running my marathon as soon as possible after COVID, continue to practice sexual kung fu, keep up my good appearance and gain some more muscle mass
I - Lead projects in my current role, read books about being a man of worth, attractiveness, confidence and honor. Promote at work in 2021
E- Continue to work on active listening, detaching and letting go of this situation. Accepting I cannot control the way out of this hell
S - Keep praying, remain hopeful that this year will be a tipping point for me.

I continue to attend IC sessions and I have been busy at work and exercising and hence I have not posted much but please continue to come by and comment. I feel like all that has happened is making me a better father and man and I owe much of that to all of you here, I hope some day I can pay back the help I have received, maybe by staying here and helping other people when I have healed. W is living her life and I continue to rebuild mine, setting up boundaries and knowing that if someone is ever to come into my life, she will fight for me and care about the things I do now I love so much.

Thank you all!
((hugs)), Pack