KC, it takes on average seven attempts to leave an abuser because they control and manipulate their victims to stay under their thumb. Please don't blame yourself for staying.
You have a lifetime of protective coping strategies to deprogram that you're probably not even aware of. Do these sound familiar?
- Rationalisation - Keeping the peace - Blaming yourself - Seeking alternative means of getting needs met - Denial - Distraction
Men like your STBXH rarely work on their issues because they don't believe they have a problem. Entitlement, remember?
YOU are a good person with bad coping skills. Your STBXH is just a garden variety abuser. The poor diddums felt scared when he choked you? No, choking is what happens when food gets stuck in your throat. The correct term is 'strangulation'. Your STBXH strangled you. And HE is the one who felt scared? When HE tried to take your life?
A US study found that up to three-quarters of women in domestic violence shelters reported non-fatal strangulation from their previous partner. It’s a gendered crime – most victims are women and most perpetrators are men. Other US studies show that in close to 50 per cent of deaths involving intimate partner violence, women had experienced non-fatal strangulation at least once before they were killed. Similarly, in Australia, domestic violence death reviews have often identified that the homicide was preceded by an incident of non-fatal strangulation. As American strangulation educator Gael Strack says, “strangulation is the last warning shot”.
You are lucky to have escaped with your life. I hope you realise what an incredible stroke of luck it was that STBXH left.
I understand your reluctance to tap into your anger. It's incredibly hard to admit you are a victim. Forgive yourself first and foremost. Your anger should be short-lived and give you purpose - to free yourself from your current circumstances. Prolonged, unreleased anger turns to poison inside you. Bitter, bitter poison. If you believe in psychosomatic illness, it could erupt in the form of cancer or chronic pain. You need to be angry, and you need to release it.
