But that's just it. I don't want to be angry. If I'm going through with this D I filed it has to be from a place of peace. I'm not forgiving him to let him off the hook. I made equally poor choices to stay. I have to own that.
Forgiveness and anger aren't mutually exclusive - you can forgive someone and still have anger. Anger doesn't have to be some outburst at someone. It's OK to be angry. Also, you can be at peace with the resolution of something, and still be mad about how it came about.
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He's not a bad man - he has exceptionally poor coping mechanisms. The day he put me in a choke hold scared the crap out of him. I know because he confessed to his bff and there was talk of him having PTSD. I do think he has been getting some support/therapy...
Maybe, but this isn't your issue or problem any more - how HE is dealing with his own feelings. Also, it didn't scare him enough to go back to being medicated.
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I get that I probably need some type of therapy. But, I don't want to sit and cry on someones couch reliving something that should not be controlling my future.
It HAS been controlling your future, as seen with the pilot. Sometimes the only way out is through.
Sitting around continuing to analyze him and his behaviors isn't going to change what happened. It comes off a lot of mental gymnastics here for you to be at peace. It can be really frustrating when someone won't take the steps to heal e.g. your XH and prozac and..... you not going to IC . His problems aren't yours to solve, but yours are. Pretending things are ok or they didn't happen =/= solving.
. His problems aren't yours to solve, but yours are. Pretending things are ok or they didn't happen =/= solving.