Here's some healing advice if you want it. Allow your anger to surface. Own your victimhood and direct your anger at your abusers. Use that anger to TRULY power yourself into a brand new life. You've been self-medicating the pain by seeking validation from unavailable men. You are a survivor for sure. You are also a victim of abuse. You did nothing to deserve it and you will continue hurting yourself if you internalise this belief.
But that's just it. I don't want to be angry. If I'm going through with this D I filed it has to be from a place of peace. I'm not forgiving him to let him off the hook. I made equally poor choices to stay. I have to own that.
Within the first year of our M I told him he needed to go to Dr and get on something. He needed something to help with the stress he was under even if it was for the short term. He was so angry all the time but it was never directed at me or the kids then. He complied and was put on Prozac. Life was amazing.... life was good... everyone was happy. But, he often forgot to take it. And, I agreed it made him very flat... he went to feeling nothing so he stopped taking it. I tried to discuss trying something else but he became convinced it was poison and I was using it for mind control.
I remember being at the psychologist with SS19 back then and just telling her I was trying to get STBXH back on medication but he was truly fighting it. Clearly without meds life was starting to go downhill.
He never went back on medication. A few years ago I tried again... I know that he wanted to quit smoking so I even suggested chantix because its really anti-depressant as well. He took it for awhile but it caused horrible nightmares and caused bed wetting of all things.
I'm sure he is working through is own issues with his behavior. He tells me he completely quit gaming which never bothered me. He played games of strategy... quietly. He did not play any shoot em up fast paced things were you are yelling and cussing. But, if he feels that was an unhealthy outlet -- good for him for letting it go. He's trying to return to a simple life. He goes camping. He doesn't have internet or tv at his house. He hunts or grows his own food as much he can.
He's not a bad man - he has exceptionally poor coping mechanisms. The day he put me in a choke hold scared the crap out of him. I know because he confessed to his bff and there was talk of him having PTSD. I do think he has been getting some support/therapy...
I get that I probably need some type of therapy. But, I don't want to sit and cry on someones couch reliving something that should not be controlling my future.
AND HOW DOES PILOT figure into all of this ----- because I was at his house and got freaking triggered. He was cussing and swearing loudly -- Not at me. About an issue... and I literally almost left without saying a word to him. I tried to remain calm and asked what I could do to help and I left him to take care of what he needed to address but I stood outside nearly naked trying to breathe. Trying to pretend that my fight or flight had not been triggered. Obviously I got sh*t to deal with.
