KK, I want to jump in and defend you after reading along for quite a while. And encourage you to think about some stuff.
I am no expert, but I think suggesting that you have a personality disorder is disingenuous at best with some dangerous undertones of victim-blaming and misogyny. You are clearly struggling despite your brave statements about GAL, moving on, and not being a victim. Dear KK, you can own your victimhood without being victimised. I think your hard work has less to do with owning your part and more to do with acceptance.
Honestly, I think it's quite clear you are suffering from something like C-PTSD after internalising years of abuse from several males figures in your life. Your ex, your son... Your father? You're middle aged, right? I wouldn't be surprised to hear that you'd been exposed to some terrible attitudes of male entitlement, exploitation, or abandonment (which were common but NOT normal) in your youth. This is where you need to focus your attention in counselling.
Here's some healing advice if you want it. Allow your anger to surface. Own your victimhood and direct your anger at your abusers. Use that anger to TRULY power yourself into a brand new life. You've been self-medicating the pain by seeking validation from unavailable men. You are a survivor for sure. You are also a victim of abuse. You did nothing to deserve it and you will continue hurting yourself if you internalise this belief.
I think it's absolutely detrimental to your well-being to continue allowing your STBXH access to your friendship. This man has done nothing to deserve your consideration or your attention. Your acceptance of his abuse excuses his disgusting behaviour. Make no mistake, in the absence of any consequences for his behaviour, his sense of entitlement will continue to grow. Your acceptance enables him to go on and hurt other people, including your kids.
Look, maybe I'm just angry today after waking up to yet another news story about male sexual depravity from women who were afraid to speak up because he is white, wealthy, famous and attractive. I'm sick of it and I don't want to hear about it anymore. Toxic masculinity is a cancer. I don't want women to believe they can love a man enough to make him change. It's not that he doesn't see, it's that he disagrees. He DOES, because he CAN.
Stop enabling it, stop allowing it, live your own life and be FREE.
