Hey May, I've been kind of avoiding posting because I really don't know what to say. I wanted to say something profound as it's been a year since I've joined this community, and I found some truly kindred spirts. But I've no profound thoughts being a year out. Marriage in any iteration has it's ebbs and flows. That includes R and piecing. Along with that I've been walking through the anniversaries of the worst of H's behavior, and it's been hard, but he's trying so much harder knowing this is all kind of killing me. And I don't really know what to say about that either, because I struggle to marry who he was and who he is now. I let my mind wander and ask myself fruitless questions about who is the real version of him and what are his real feelings? And then he scoops me up in his arms and says I'm the love of his life and I better never leave him, and I'm breathing again. And that's probably the perfect place for me to be in to help you along here.
OW does live in my head rent free, but she takes up minimal real estate. Only when I'm having to face the days I know were hardest for me does she take up more real estate than I would wish. I know it will get easier with time. Much like when my mom passed those firsts are the hardest. And every subsequent one gets a little easier, but some days just suck no matter what. I imagine things like December 12th, January 8th, Feburary 5th. Will always be a little harder on me because those were big awful days. And the dog sh!t analogy is probably the best way to put it. But I still don't regard the A with disgust. I never really did. I register it all with anger and occasionally sadness. It's weird though. It's anger at H and OW with their carelessness for my girls and my life. The sadness just in regards to how I was feeling in that time. Like I wish I could go back and hug myself and tell myself that people don't leave because I deserve it. I still really struggle with the abandonment. I've grazed that with H, but some day we'll really have to dig into that. It isn't so much that I don't think AP should never cross your mind, but you allowed her to taint things in your life that she didn't deserve to have power over and if she's taking up minimal real estate in that aspect I think you're doing well.
So honestly some vets have very hard lined ideas on when you're ready for piecing. But other than profound remorse we didn't really fit into the check boxes especially because he never left. Also pandemic so it wasn't like we could whisk off to the next available Retrouvaille weekend or something. Another things is I really had to dig around on the boards for thoughts on when R becomes piecing, because there isn't like a DB check list for that stuff. So what I determined was R is the part where you two come back together and there's attraction and flirtation, and you are trying to figure out who you guys are now and if it'll work if you try again. For the most part it seems like its genuinely dating each other again, and if those pieces fit and the WAS/WS can be remorseful and the LBS can forgive and both parties are not just willing to work but truly devote themselves to self improvement and rebuilding the marriage that's piecing.
IMHO you're trying to cram R and piecing into one box and it isn't working. None of this is about papering over the pain. Just this last week H and I had to talk about the A again. Hitting a bunch of misery anniversaries was hitting me hard, and I was trying to just push through and enjoy my family and H was trying to lavish me with love, affection, and attention but neither one of us discussed that with the other and we got our wires crossed and got in a fight. Because I was trying to have all this family time and he was trying to have one on one time and neither one of us were understanding how the other was trying to deal until I snapped on him for not thinking about the kids and he snapped on me for not going with the flow. Once we talked it out and I cried a lot, and he teared up a little we realized same goal different paths. Regroup, do better communicating on this stuff in the future, and move on with our day. The is going to color our MR for a little while. It just can't be the only thing it focuses on. On NYD we talked about our goals for the year. Not one of those was get over the A because it's part of the fabric of our story now. But working on us was still definitely on that list and probably will be forever.
May I don't know if anything your H does will ever be enough. That's for you to determine. But as I've told you many times it's not his job to heal you from this pain. It's his job to seek your forgiveness. It's his job to forgive himself. You can't leave the burden of healing from this solely on him. I will say it's an incredibly difficult transition from withholding to becoming vulnerable again. I'm still struggling, but I think that's ok. I should still be playing something things a little close to the vest so I can feel safe, as time marches on and H evolves into a true partner it's becoming easier and easier to let him in without fear. I think you've addressed your pain. I think you've addressed your anger. I don't think you've addressed your fears with actually moving forward with R and getting to piecing. H halted your R attempt in Spring. You were burned. That's some scary stuff. Because you have to question your own sanity for willing putting yourself in a position to be burned again. But love is a risk. It's high stakes no matter what because that's your heart. This isn't something you can science or even soft science your way through. There is not real method to that kind of madness. This is a leap of faith. You have to take a very honest inventory and have that conversation with yourself. Are you willing to put your heart out there for H to possibly break again? I know you've reasoned yourself into "this time if he messes up I'm not scared for him to leave." But that's not the whole of it and you know that.
Lastly I do think your H has some merit. I think you are in a place right now where you are only looking at the negatives and I think that's your fears keeping you stuck in that place. I think you see your MR in the context of a pros and cons list and it's difficult for you to see your H beyond what reason has told you. Maybe H was right that you weren't seeing him. But at the time that was an in appropriate ask. And the ask was because he was wanting you to see him the way AP did. Which was an impossible ask. However, I think, and this is just my opinion, you've spent so much time dead set on saving this MR for your kids that you've lost a lot of those other pieces. Even the lusty part of this mess you guys have been in was about exploring your sexuality with someone you were comfortable with and a desire to connect on any level with a person who had been keeping you at arms length for years. When is the last time you looked at H and thought "yeah i'd climb him like a tree right now if these tiny roommates weren't around all the time?" When is the last time H genuinely made you belly laugh? Or gave you butterflies? When was the last time you guys were in the middle of a conversation and you smiled a little and thought to yourself this idiot is my best friend? May I think if you really want to give R and piecing a go you need to date your H again. You guys are great co-parents and roommates. You're really good partners at running a household. But romance, lust, attraction, deep friendship. All the things that keep a MR together after the kids are gone seem to not really be on your radar. Yes you guys need to work through the A. Yes you guys need to rebuild your MR. But how can you do any of that if you aren't even sure about dating the guy? If this is the path you want to take you have to compartmentalize the bits and pieces. Not pathologically. Not forever, but just so you guys can make an attempt at rekindling, because there needs be some fire and desire if you want your MR to work. I just don't see the point in even attempting to keep a MR together if you just want to be legally married roommates for the kids. But that's my opinion. So take what you will.
I hope this novel I wrote helps at least a little. xoxoxo
