Help.

[sandi2]

Hi Joe, welcome to the community. Can you give us your wife's reason for leaving in September?

Taking all the responsibility of the breakdown in the MR is not the formula for reconciliation. Unfortunately, some men think it will save time and bypass bringing up various accounts if he simply apologizes for everything & anything. It may have worked in times past when she was sullen over something you were completely in the dark about........but this is not one of those times.

Probably the most difficult task for you will be to stop trying to invoke conversations. You seem to rely on talking as your go-to method of fixing a relationship. It's a natural reaction from a fearful spouse who has been bombed. However, as others have warned, it is the opposite action of what you need to do.

Stop telling her that you are going to take up for the relationship. It will only make her tighten her determination to end the M.

How should you interact? Think of yourself as a customer in a store who has gathered his items to purchase. You go to the checkout lane to make the transaction with the checkout clerk. Your wife is the checkout clerk. The two of you might say a few words, but nothing personal. You keep it business-like. You keep it short, and you leave. You don't ask personal questions, try to get to know her better, or spend more time with her. Nothing about the encounter is personal. That's how you have to deal with your W at this time.

Don't confuse this with anger, coldness, sullen, etc. Be none of those things. Just don't interact by personal questions and statements.

I [censored] up last week. I used sex as a way of seeing if she was truly back in again. I was angry.

Big mistake! Don't test her to see if she is truly back.......and certainly not with sex. You'll learn more about this as we go along. This is a long process, so there's no use in thinking of testing her. Just get that out of your mind.

I used the word "child support" for the first time in a Venmo message. I only wanted to communicate by email for a fw days. When I realized how I was feeling I owned it all and apologized.

I'm not sure what this means, but stop apologizing for everything. Over-apologizing is very unattractive on a man. I doubt she's leaving b/c you didn't apologize enough during the M. And, if you didn't apologize enough.......you can't make up for it now. You can't talk her back. You can't apologize her back. If there was some specific thing you did that tore the MR apart (according to her explanation for leaving), then you can apologize for it and move on.

I want to ask - is there hope I can do anything and I'm also afraid of someone saying NO.

Not in the sense you are thinking that doing something will get her to come back. It's that mindset that causes the LBS to pressure the WAS. The first step is accepting the fact she doesn't want to be in a MR with you. So, instead of pursuing her, you leave her alone.

How do I stay open to a future yet protective of my heart.

How do I move forward from today?

I wrote her this email and would love anyone's thoughts on it or anything else.

First, you stop doing things that expose your heart, like writing those emails. Stop putting her in a position where she has to make a decision to reject you. You are pressuring her! Stop looking at old letters & cards that rip your heart. Don't watch sad movies, or listen to sad songs. You have to purposely have better days. Read self improvement books, watch motivational videos, get plenty of exercise, and fill up the calendar with GAL activities, and stay busy. I can't say this strong enough, that GAL is key! Your health is priority.

You move forward by building your life around your D2 and yourself. Currently, it doesn't include your W and/or a MR. You find ways to get a new life apart from the old one. You focus on yourself, while giving space and time to your W. Space means a time void of you. No calls, emails, photos, social media, dropping by, meet ups, etc. It's as if you dropped off the planet.

My hope is that this email is something at some point you can visit to

This is an example of invading her space. You meant well, but it is emotional pressure on her.

Don't try to be her BFF, swap photos, have late night chats, etc. Co-parenting doesn't mean you use D2 as a tool to get closer to your spouse.