Thanks everyone! After the interview I had a good feeling about it. We were headed out to grab a quick bite but I got a call while I was pumping gas. The art director was so impressed with my interview he wanted to let me know they were starting the hiring process. I'm feeling secure and the feelings of dread and despair are largely gone. I still value our M and will basically stand fast in that role.
On that note, W has been all over the place. She's hit phases where she goes from being happy and dancing around, showing me how to cook her favorite foods to crying and talking about just wanting to disappear. She talks about doing things together and that sort of thing and an hour later she is talking about things I'll do in my future in a very singular context. I'm trying not to read into these things because she's all over the place in her words and actions. She's mentioned numerous times about being confused, conflicted, etc etc. I finally told her, "don't make decisions when you're confused. Take it one day at a time until it's clear to you what you want". She goes to sea fairly soon. My strategy is, to be the best "me" possible. Fill her days with fun activities that let her keep some space but provide enough of an aftertaste to linger. Lastly, to show her that she can be confident in our M as a choice and not some mediocre backup plan.
I understand that there's elements to this that will seem like pursuit, and maybe they are. Here's the other side to this. There's a chance, this is it. I've made my peace with this concept. It's been a couple of years since we had a long stretch of happy memories. That's for me too. I've got a lot of positive going for me on a personal level and this period in my life will be reflected on. If there's going to be some nasty brooding, quiet separation, cold distancing.. that'll happen while she's at sea or gets back. Right now, I have positive constructive tools at my disposal that still respect a lot of the concepts put forth in DB/DR and Sandy's rules, etc. I'll operate within the confines of that but on that token, I'm GAL while including my W so she can get a taste of what could be. To me, this simple distinction in mentality is crucial. I'm not trying to impress or win back. I accepted that these things are beyond my control. This is a test drive.
