So I got to my spiritual retreat and found out that it was silent. Which meant that I was going to learn stuff but in between there was no talking and no noise. I turned off my cell phone all weekend as well.
In the downtime, I prayed and I cried. Not sobbing, but just tears rolling down my cheeks. I teared up at Mass, during spiritual counseling, on walks, and in prayer. I've never cried so much. By end of day Saturday I was exhausted from the release of all the emotions. In my spiritual counseling sessions both priests echoed a lot of the sentiments here. From the conversations I surmised that this divorce has very little to do with me at this point - I don't have a narcistic personality disorder, I'm not controlling or manipulative, etc. I'm a good man. I may suffer from nice guy syndrome, but I'm a good man.
The men at the retreat kept an all night vigil during adoration, which you could think of as an all night prayer continued from one man to the next if you don't know what it is, I drew 2:30am -3am.
That was the highlight. As I sat in prayer I started writing. And then I had a conversation in my prayer, it felt very spiritual. I was told that I needed to let go and it was okay. That I was okay as I am. That I needed to stop worrying. And that I could give away my pain, I didn't need to carry it around any longer. I was there until about 3:45am. The time went very fast. In that is just a summation of my notes.
Today I took a walk, and as I walked I began to think through all the ways my wife would control and manipulate me, which is funny because I never thought of it in those terms before. She was always keeping tabs on me. I basically had to ask permission to do anything and if I was gone longer than I said it was a major issue, even if it didn't impact anyone else. It was so bad that I was afraid to ask to go anywhere or to do anything.
When I got home from the retreat I had another odd experience. During my "conversation" in prayer, when I felt that I had been told that I was okay as I was, it reminded me of a song by Wyclef called Take Me As I Am. Its one of my favorites. At home, I was doubting my experience in prayer and I was telling myself that it didn't happen. At that moment I turned on my Pandora and that song, Take Me As I Am came on. I stopped cold, got chills, and then fell to my knees, very emotional.
It was a very spiritual weekend.
I'm glad I wrote down the prayer conversation I had as it happened and I'll use it as a guide for myself. I'm hopeful that this can be a turning point for me as I continue to work to move forward.
I also want to thank everyone here for your continued support. Without you I know I would not be doing as well as I am. Thank you.
