Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

Journaling

Weird day. It's snowing. I live in the US (southern state). I took my grandsons home after a sleepover. They didn't have coats etc. so I had to get them back before the roads possibly closed. (We are not equipped for snow here.)

On the drive to pick them up, I was pulling into a gas station and I saw XH drive by headed toward my apartment.

I had a feeling I would pass him. (These are strange. I don't question them.)

I had just a moment of a feeling deep down - butterflies - and then it passed. I thought "He looks angry. He's headed to OW's house". The fact that he was headed to see her didn't bother me. It seems it is just the new normal. My stomach is still a little wonky but nothing like those early days of BD.

She lives nearby me in a neighborhood. Ironic. I leave the ranch only to see him headed to see her. God has an amazing way of things.


When I saw my eldest during the pickup he said that his dad was "probing" and asking a lot of questions from all of them about what they believed about his GF. (3 sons and DIL after other DIL ripped him apart on the phone several days ago)

DIL said that he came to see her at work to ask her what she new.

I realized that I'm so thankful not to have to live in the chaos anymore.

I've been reading different sitches here and I'm just pained at how awful people can be to one another.

If you are new, know that you will be stronger if you focus on your journey and leave them to theirs.

I have been slowly realizing that I am so much better without all the chaos surrounding my XH. He invites it. His choices are those of quick fixes and plaster. (women, drinking, spending)

I used to listen to anyone who wanted to tell me things he has said. I've since asked people to not repeat any conversations he has with them.

I remember our marriage differently. There was a before and after. I don't know if he changed or his mask was just on for the first 13 years. I know that 11 of those years were devastating to us both. I know it doesn't matter who he was, I divorced the man he is today. I like how DnJ has it to W and XW. It is exactly like there were two people (MLC sometimes more during replay).

I've gone through a great deal of unimaginable pain - particularly in the beginning. But I have healed considerably and continue to heal. I've grown. I leaned into my faith, family and friends.

XH isolated from faith, family and friends. And I have witnessed first hand how much longer and deeper his pain is and goes. With no relief in sight.

I pray for my X today and feel compassion for the havoc he has wrought on himself. And he did bring it upon himself. Knowing that is what makes me think "how awful to be him".

I don't know when/if I will become angry. I don't think I necessarily need to although I have had moments, most of my feelings are just pity towards him.

He hates himself. I would too if I were him.
I'm me, though. So I will love him from a very safe distance and keep moving forward toward my new life.