[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

H has certainly let the cat out of the bag. His telling everyone that you are still a great woman, mean the world to him, and that he cannot find it in his heart to be the proper husband and live the proper marriage - is most likely pretty close to the actual truth.

H’s confusion is right there, out in the open. He is an emotional wreck. He has shown everyone. It is also a justification for his actions.

H’s inability to love you, as he feels and knows you deserve, stems from his long ago trauma(s). He feels himself unlovable and therefore cannot love anyone else and knows it should be different. Deep down inside himself he has no answers; just pain, torment, and misery. And so he runs from himself.

You, the kids, family, and friends, all get hurt. A MLCer needs to, and has to, run. They are driven to it. They must escape. And those in the way do get mowed down.

H’s path is not about you, or the boys. It is about him. Do not forget that. Even though at times it feels like it is about us, the LBS. His path was started long ago, and he needs to complete it.

To that end, H needs to hit rock bottom before he can realize the complete mess he is in. Before he will commit to actual change, commit to actual growth and helpful action. Until then it is running. Interestingly, rock bottom is where and when one decides it is.

It’s similar for the LBS, we descend for a while, spiralling, dizzy with pain and sorrow and hurt. Eventually we level out, find our bearings, choose headings/beliefs, and move forward with health and happiness.

I agree with your going dark with H.

You stated your intentions very clearly. And they meshed well with his current feelings of his inability to be a proper husband. In others words, you validated his feelings and emotionally state, and got your view cross as well. Good job.

I don't think I will find so much strength to not show my feelings to him.

You just did!

Your mind is always listening. When you use language like “I don’t think I’ll ever..., I don’t believe I can...”, your mind will make that the reality.

You just demonstrated your strength and compassion - do not sell yourself short. Especially to yourself. You can, and will, do great things. Believe that!

I can not be your friend anymore. I can't be the shoulder to cry on. So if you call, I won't pick up the phone anymore. If there is an emergency let me know in a different way.

Accuracy is very important. One requires to accurately see what they are doing, what they are feeling/believing/ thinking so they can make proper decisions, choices, and changes. If one is basing decisions upon inaccurate data, then the likelihood of positive wanted outcomes decreases significantly.

You are making a choice. You are choosing a strong emotionally healthy path. Be accurate in that.

I can will not be your friend anymore. I can't won’t be the shoulder to cry on.

This is a choice, which means you control it. Which means you will be able to achieve it.

“Can’t” places this out of your control. “Will/won’t” is conviction, is formidable choice.

The wording you used to H isn’t as important as the wording you use in your head.

Do decide how H should contact you in case of an emergency. A “different way” is rather vague. And in truth, a phone call is the method to be used in an emergency. You might consider walking that back a bit.

In regards to the divorce, once I have the home evaluation report, I will send it to you and you can make a proposition for the financial arrangements. He didn't say much, only yes and I understand in a very submissive way??

Good for you. Direct and letting him do the heavy lifting with crafting his proposal. Do be open to consider what he comes back with, and go from there.

As for submissive. Yep. H is a mess. Guilty, hurt, unable to love, lost, sad, and depressed.

H’s drinking is obvious in its tie to his feelings. He drinks to escape, and to feel something. He is dead inside, a hollow man, a shell. MLC is a terrible thing.

Treated lightly when negotiating with him.

I do empathize with your reasons for deciding to no longer participate in the Sunday family Skype call. Give your boys some guidance on what to do, when Dad is drunk or things do not go well.

S13 is understandably not happy about the state of things with Dad. He will need to express his feelings, which unfortunately are most likely going to come out aimed at you - the strong stable parent. Have faith, it doesn’t last forever, and the kids do grow out of it. Be their beacon.

And I will answer your direct question on my thread.

Have a great Sunday.

D