KC, I am sorry that you went through all of that. My XH was an abusive alcoholic (which is why I left, eventually). I felt the same way for a long time after I left - like it was a dream or movie. It creates such dissonance when someone you love and you know isn't ALL bad is doing really awful stuff to people they love. A really good book that goes into this is Codependency No More - it's useful whether the behaviors are related to alcohol or not. It is possible to let yourself love the person and condemn their behaviors, and choose to not put up with them. When I shifted my thoughts to "what is it about me that is making him do this" to "what is it about me choosing to remain in this relationship" and realizing I didn't want to, that gave me the courage to leave. The abusive behaviors weren't about ME - they never really are. I agree that they stem from people having bad coping mechanisms - but that isn't anyone's problem to fix but theirs.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Its a different ballgame Steve... Its not denying or avoiding. Its like I never gave it a voice because I didn't want it to exist. Not because I was avoiding it because I did not want people to know and judge me and my situation. And, how do I correlate the good parts of my STBXH with the bad parts. HE HAS A LOT OF GOOD PARTS. Its like not being able to wrap your head around it.
Not giving a voice to something because you don't want it to exist = denying. Denial has different root causes. It's easier to not deal with it - since you already had to live through it once. That's a coping mechanism.
I understand why you didn't want to divulge that, even though I do agree with others that it would have altered a lot of the advice you were given. Ultimately, it's your choice. Hugs to you.
Re: the pilot - did he just text you all of that out of the blue after he hadn't been?
