Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[may22]

Hi WF,

Wondering how you're doing. And if you have the time, wondering if you can walk me through a little of how you have been able to walk this path.

I'm trying to figure out what is holding me back, right now. I think my H wants to be in piecing-- at least, that is what he's saying to me. I am no longer worried about AP, or her popping her troll head back up in our lives... at least, if she does, I know I'll be fine and can walk away. She doesn't take up zero percent real estate in my head, but far far less than she did... less than 5% and on the way down. When I do think of her these days, it is like dog $hit on the sidewalk-- gross, unfortunate, navigate your way around it and keep on going. I'm definitely looking forward to the day when there is zero dog $hit in my path. But progress for sure.

But.... how do you know if YOU are ready to piece? I've thought a lot about things you've said, about H trying and me not recognizing it, and I believe there is truth to that. He *is* trying. He is finally, FINALLY starting to say more and more of the things I was waiting to hear, about being truly remorseful and regretting it happened. It still doesn't feel like enough. Will it never be enough? Will I just keep being angry about this for the rest of my life?

I've spent so much time focusing on me and trying to not give a $hit about where he was. For so long, it was because it was incredibly painful to really listen and focus in on what he was telling me. Now, those words have changed but the hurt remains. Part of me wonders if I have only surfaced that hurt now, that it was too much back then.

He says I only look at the negatives between us, that I'm ignoring all the positives of what we're building back up together. I don't know. To me it still feels like the wound is there and raw and it would be dumb to paper over it. It hasn't yet healed, for me.

Anyway. how are YOU doing? Where do you find yourself these days?