Yes, thank you DnJ for the wonderful explanation of hope.
At this point, all my hope 'eggs' are going into my own basket. For my own future and that which I want to accomplish in this life, whether or not I remain married to H.
I was watching really old home videos with the kids the other night, from back when my first two were babies. A few weeks ago, that would have put me in a puddle of my own sad tears, but this time I was able to watch them objectively. When I watched those videos, I kept thinking 'I am such a good mom' (my littlest even came up behind me, wrapped her little arms around my neck, put her face against mine and said 'mama, you are SUCH a good mommy'-- she wasn't even in the videos they were before she was born... little heartthrob child). I also noticed that I was a really good daughter and DIL (most of the videos were made for faraway family) and most importantly, I was a really good wife. I look beautiful and serene and love oozes from my being in every frame: love for my husband, love for my children, love for our life. I remembered that feeling. The truth is there, so plainly.
And the thing is, watching these videos, I realized that not much has changed. I am still a great mother, daughter, and friend. I am still beautiful, I am still loving, I am (mostly) serene. And I will continue to be a great partner, whether to H or to some unknown person in the future.
This isn't some effort to pat myself on the back, more of an objective self-awareness that I am reclaiming my history and reclaiming myself. The sudden re-writing of our history, the emotional devastation of BD, all the accusations thrown at me, combined with my own desire for growth, self-awareness and a willingness to change created a toxic mudslide that slipped me straight down into a pool of self-doubt, low self-esteem, low self-worth. BD took a lot away from me, but the truth of who I really am is something that no one can take away from me again unless I allow them to.
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H and I have been parallel parenting just fine. He has stepped up in the parenting department and for that I am grateful. I had a work day today and kept thinking of how hard it will be for H/the business to replace me. Everyone is replaceable, that I know from my years as an executive, but the dizzying success of our business has been built upon our innate ability to compliment each other's talents and pull equally on the same yoke. I am sure that H will find a way without me and I have no doubt that I also find my own direction as well, but it just seems such a short-sighted shame to throw all of this away. The business, the beautiful family and most importantly the love that we so clearly shared all these years.
I can't imagine being in a place where I was willing to do that. And for that reason, I have a lot of compassion for H.
LH, you wrote on someone else's thread that the difference between a WS/WAS and a LBS is time. I have been brewing on that for a while. I know deep down that H is going to regret his decisions and his actions, but for the first time I am beginning to believe that maybe I won't. That maybe there is more out there for me. Not just a person, but a whole life. What am I capable of accomplishing if I all that energy I put into him and our business was utilized somewhere else, something of my own design? I know I still have a long road ahead of me with a threatened D, but your sentence has opened my eyes just a tiny bit to a future I couldn't see a few weeks back.
