You are a kind, loving, valued human being. What your exH did was wrong. He could go to jail. JAIL. There is no amount of cooking or massages that makes up for physical or emotional abuse. That does not balance. You did not deserve that treatment and it is not okay.
I'm so glad you are away from him. I hope that by sharing the truth with us here and naming his actions as abusive and wrong helps continue to establish emotional distance and clarity for you.
I know people have said over and over you should seek out counseling and you've been opposed to that, but I want to add my voice to those to encourage you to find help. What you've been through is incredibly traumatic and a professional can really help you. Like others have noted, a lot of therapists are doing phone or Zoom calls if the in-person part is scary. You might consider a group therapy session where you aren't alone with someone. Does your place of employment offer an employee assistance program? Normally those provide for a few free sessions with a professional therapist, totally confidential.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
