Sure I formulated a response but I did not wan to "defend" or be "defensive" which is hard for me in a way. Sure I'd like to explain my side but when is that defending and and not explaining. I spent 2 sleepless days trying to figure out how to validate and NOT defend. I probably should have come here but frankly I was afraid of being blasted made to feel bad for wanting to follow up period.
I ended up probably sounding really lame with just validating all his points - BUT, I did not elaborate on my D or the statement that my husband footed my vacation. Uhhh... my vacation was funded by joint assests which I paid into. In division of assets my STBXH has to pay this off but he is then giving me this asset. He doesn't want it and really wants me to me using it. THAT is NOT my STBXH footing my vaca... WTH??? BUT, I said nothing.
IDK - should I have?
It's really hard to interpret what you're talking about here, it sounds like this text from pilot had some accusations in it? But this is supposed to be a casual FWB relationship, so I don't know why you're laying awake at night trying to figure out how to respond to his accusations, whatever they were. Without knowing the details I'm just guessing, but it sounds to me like he's sort of doing the WAS thing and pushing you away and making excuses that he's doing it because of your actions. Like "how can we be serious when your ex is paying for your vacations" sort of thing. And if so, you don't need to listen, or validate, or explain or anything. You just need to cut him off. Because he's not asking for explanations, he's just telling you why he's done. Just like a WAS.
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In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
I've let it go - I forgive it all.
You forgave it? Or you swept it all under the rug and pretended it never happened and didn't exist? Because forgiveness absolutely does not mean letting him off the hook and it does not mean forgetting it happened.
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I never made him choose to get into it on an interstate with heavy traffic with some other dude in a car. Going 80-90mph... sliding between cars when there was no true space... 80mph on the right shoulder of the interstate to pass illegally. This went on for an hour. I sat there in the passengers seat with tears running down my face knowing if I said anything it would escalate the situation.
This seems pretty common with victims of abuse. They take the abuse because they are afraid if they don't then it will escalate. It's also common for victims to blame themselves, do you? Because what you are describing above is full blown abuse, and no one "deserves" to be a victim of that. There is nothing you ever could have done to "explain" being treated that way, and if you think you did deserve it on any level then you're still a victim of his abuse.
