I reposting what I last wrote so its easier to find:
Soooooo.... its been a painful return to life as usual.
I got a very honest text from pilot.
Sure I formulated a response but I did not wan to "defend" or be "defensive" which is hard for me in a way. Sure I'd like to explain my side but when is that defending and and not explaining. I spent 2 sleepless days trying to figure out how to validate and NOT defend. I probably should have come here but frankly I was afraid of being blasted made to feel bad for wanting to follow up period.
I ended up probably sounding really lame with just validating all his points - BUT, I did not elaborate on my D or the statement that my husband footed my vacation. Uhhh... my vacation was funded by joint assests which I paid into. In division of assets my STBXH has to pay this off but he is then giving me this asset. He doesn't want it and really wants me to me using it. THAT is NOT my STBXH footing my vaca... WTH??? BUT, I said nothing.
IDK - should I have?
Its just I've gotten to the point where I've forgiven myself an in turn I've forgiven my STBXH. That's the ONLY way I could file for D and I just forked out another expensive retainer for an accountant for one of the assets which we neither of us know how to place a value.
In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
I've let it go - I forgive it all.
STBXH texted yesterday stating he got a cancellation for a court date he didn't knew he had... I was like I'm not aware of any court date. It was supposed to just be filing the petition of dissolution so maybe it was an error. He confirmed he got the petition. Told him I just sent the check for the accountant that day - he stated ok. That my atty was not doing anything until we had that information. Went on to say that I would not be doing any sneaky court dates and planned to keep him in the loop with everything... he stated sounds good. He then went on to update on the dogs tail. that was probably a 10min discussion back and forth. Ultimately the tail needs to be removed... but we both hate giving up on it.
I'm going through with my D. I can let go of what happened in my M and not hate my STBXH. The texts yesterday did not bother me... I'm over it.
Being ISFT-T... I took on the blame for everything but I never made him choose to get into it on an interstate with heavy traffic with some other dude in a car. Going 80-90mph... sliding between cars when there was no true space... 80mph on the right shoulder of the interstate to pass illegally. This went on for an hour. I sat there in the passengers seat with tears running down my face knowing if I said anything it would escalate the situation.
IDK... maybe I should have come here for help with my reply... maybe if he knew what really happened in my M he would know when I filed... I was done.
First, I don't care that you responded to the pilot. You've gone your own way in starting to date before you have emotionally moved on from your H. And in fact I think this post is proof of that.
I find that after you've been here for 3 years, back for your current sitch for over a year, and that you are just now characterizing your R with your STBXH as "abusive" is troubling. If you had disclosed this right away the advice you would have received would have been VERY VERY different. But I believe that you withheld it because you didn't want the advice you would have got, and that would have been to get out and to never go back! For anyone physical abuse is and should be a dealbreaker.
KC, I have told you I have seen signs of you being avoidant of reality in the past. I told you you reminded me of some family members I have that were children of an alcoholic and abusive parent. That they avoid things in reality that they do not like, or that does not suit them at the moment. I believe this post displays those behaviors:
1st, you avoided coming to the board before responding to pilot because you didn't want to get "blasted or made to feel bad for wanting to follow up". The fact that you avoid coming here for advice because it might not agree with your predetermined decision is interesting. Like I said, I don't care one iota that you responded to the pilot. But I do find it interesting that hearing strangers on the internet disagree with your decision to do so would be being "blasted" in your mind. Or that it would make you feel bad. Wow.
2nd, you avoided telling us about the abuse in your MR, I presume, because of the advice you would have received. And since that didn't fit with what you wanted (and that was to stay with an abuser!) you would have felt blasted and made to feel bad for wanting to stay with the abuser. KC, you don't see an issue with that? Do you think that is healthy?
3rd, you finally come clean about the abuse from your STBXH only after putting the cart in front of the horse and falling for the pilot. This post shows me that you used the pilot to get over the abuser, then you sprung the fact that your STBXH was abusive to prove to him that you are really done......and to justify filing for D. The problem is no one is buying it. You filed for D so that you could tell the pilot you had and hopefully that would make him open up to the possibility of a serious R with you. See the point above about how avoiders avoid reality UNTIL it suits there purpose. I have seen that same behavior over and over again in said relatives.
KC, I hope you don't see this as a blasting. Or as making you feel bad. That is not what I am trying to do. I wouldn't take the time to write out a lengthy response to all this if I just wanted to hurt you. I could accomplish that with one or two lines! You seem like a very loving, caring person. But I feel that you need some serious therapy so that you can be the best you that you can be, and so that you can live the best life that you can live!
We are about the same age if I remember right. My sitch with my W started just over 3 years ago. 3 years ago I made the decision, despite being vehemently opposed to it, to start IC. You know what my only regret is? That I didn't do it 20 years earlier! My outlook on life, my happiness, the way I treat others and allow myself to be treated by others are all in such a much better place today than 3 years ago! And I wasted most of my adult life being the inferior version of me.....over 2 decades......that I can never ever get back.
Anyway, I really do think you are a wonderful person. I hate to see you struggle so much and ping-pong back and forth the way that you do. As others have told you, broken attracts broken. Until you get unbroken, well, you are doomed to repeat your past....over and over and over again.
I'll continue to pray for you KC!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
