If your goal is to be best buddies, then you did fine. If your goal is to win her back, then you were better off not even calling her back.
I thought you were going to do NC? The rules of no contact are pretty simple. IF she calls you do not answer. You are busy, remember? If it is important she will leave a message. Or followup with a text. If she does either, the rules for responding is to ONLY respond to direct questions via text. But then in your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Walkaways often want to keep their ex around as BFFs. I am assuming you want to avoid the friend-zone.
Hm yeah, I just feel it's a bit douche when we said that about this important subject we will communicate - in the end we are just humans as well no?
If your goal is to be best buddies, then you did fine. If your goal is to win her back, then you were better off not even calling her back.
I thought you were going to do NC? The rules of no contact are pretty simple. IF she calls you do not answer. You are busy, remember? If it is important she will leave a message. Or followup with a text. If she does either, the rules for responding is to ONLY respond to direct questions via text. But then in your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Walkaways often want to keep their ex around as BFFs. I am assuming you want to avoid the friend-zone.
Hm yeah, I just feel it's a bit douche when we said that about this important subject we will communicate - in the end we are just humans as well no?
Completely up to you 1st! Think about this, what if you had made your offer.....and she accepted. Could you live with her long-term as platonic roommates? You are acting out of fear, not out of strength. This is why detachment is so important. Until you can get to a better place where you are happy on your own, you will continue to try to nice her back. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK. It never works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She called first, I did not pick up. Called her back 10min later.
Lol. You're new to this so at minimum you should have waited 8 hours.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
We exchanged some niceties, talked about what we did and that it's nice there is snow outside now. Then she mentioned she wanted to talk about an apartment she found to move into (we agreed before that we try to have some distance but that the apartment is an important practicality we need to solve this month and that we both will look what we can find).
You definitely should not help her find her an apartment. You are her boyfriend/lover not her father.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
The apartment is in the same block of apartments as our current one (I think with a separate entrance). She complained that it is not as nice as ours with an old floor and feels like 20 years older.
So here you should have validated. Read up on validation.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I told her that I found so far one other one, but it is very small (bed room and living room are the same room). And as it works in Sweden, taking an apartment means you loose your queuing time for apartments (I currently have over 3000 days) / the more days the better apartments you can find first-hand). Therefore it is not really an option for me.
Again, not your job to help her leave you.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
She sounded a bit annoyed (I NEVER heard her voice tone like this - not super bad but definitely complaining as if she is unhappy in her situation). She asked if it is fine for me if she lived so close and I said that it's fine. It's not like I hate her and don't mind bumping into her. It's good to know she has a save place and is also close to friends (many of them live in the same neighbourhood here).
My guess she is frustrated with you acting like daddy and telling her what to do. You are going to regret it when you see another bloak coming from her apartment.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
We talked a bit more about apartments and if she should take it. I said that this is her decision to make and I cannot make the decision for her. She talked about us taking a decision. On which I said again in very calm and kind voice that this is not our decision but hers. And she said in a sad undertone that yes, it is her decision.
Again dude you sound like her dad. She knows it's her decision you don't have to keep reminder.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Then we just told each other that we hope the other is fine and not too lonely. And she said that it's great that she can call me and we could talk about this and make a decision. And I again said that it is not problem and good to hear her voice, but that this is not our decision.
So you have friend zoned yourself trying to act like her dad/girlfriend/therapist
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I might have emphasized that a bit too much, but I think it is important for her to not put that decision as ours - it is her that wanted this and that moved out. I believe that maybe she has second thoughts and feels pushed away (as I was quite distant the months before as well). But I tried to be compassionate while being firm - don't want her to believe I resent or reject her. Maybe that was unnecessary, but it seemed she was annoyed at me so thought to air that a little bit.
Your attitude should be "oh your are leaving. Good luck" and then go live a kick a$$ life.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
So, any thoughts?
Yeah so this was bad but you are knew and expected to make mistakes so the best thing to do is dust yourself off and get back in the game. There is a saying " you can't talk your way out of something you acted yourself into".
Read the books i suggested ASAP. I am afraid you will dig yourself into a hole that you can't get yourself out of.
Yeah so this was bad but you are knew and expected to make mistakes so the best thing to do is dust yourself off and get back in the game. There is a saying " you can't talk your way out of something you acted yourself into".
Read the books i suggested ASAP. I am afraid you will dig yourself into a hole that you can't get yourself out of.
Thanks for the straight feedback - I ordered them but am waiting for them to arrive.
Damn this is hard in the moment to know what to do. How do you differentiate between being nice and being a decent human being? Just being cold and short in answers just feels so not me - not only here but in general...
Slow things down while you’re learning by limiting real-time conversations. This gives you as much time as you need to come up with a response. If the subject of her message is important, she’ll leave a voicemail, text, e-mail, etc.
Damn this is hard in the moment to know what to do. How do you differentiate between being nice and being a decent human being? Just being cold and short in answers just feels so not me - not only here but in general...
So 1st before I answer your question, please answer one for me first.
Why do you feel the need to be overly nice to a woman who has left you for the third time?
Very few people actually get it and make so many mistakes in the beginning. Then you begin to question everything like "what do a bunch of strangers on internet know about my situation". But 1st, know this - you will have wished you listened to the advice given here.
I was just like you. I think we even live in the same city. I had so many reasons to question what other posters were saying. There are cultural differences I would often think. Unfortunately most of us get it too late and the damage is already done. However, we'll be experts on what to do should anything similar happen in the future so keep posting.
And btw, not a single person here has or will every say that you should be cold towards your partner/wife/ex.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
So 1st before I answer your question, please answer one for me first.
Why do you feel the need to be overly nice to a woman who has left you for the third time?
Because I love her and we spent 7 years together - I don't resent her or hate her. I do want the best for her in some way and if she decides that we are not it that's fine in a way.
Very few people actually get it and make so many mistakes in the beginning. Then you begin to question everything like "what do a bunch of strangers on internet know about my situation". But 1st, know this - you will have wished you listened to the advice given here.
I was just like you. I think we even live in the same city. I had so many reasons to question what other posters were saying. There are cultural differences I would often think. Unfortunately most of us get it too late and the damage is already done. However, we'll be experts on what to do should anything similar happen in the future so keep posting.
And btw, not a single person here has or will every say that you should be cold towards your partner/wife/ex.
Are you in Gothenburg? Yeah, not being cold but just saying Yes or No seems quite cold for me.
