How am I going to do this? Should I do this?

[may22]

Hi Mar,

Sending hugs your way.

I echo Sage in being really, really glad that the time with your family has been helpful, and taking the time you can now before you fly back to set yourself up for success the best you can.

I was hopeful that the physical separation, especially during the holidays, would ignite something but it seemed to have the opposite effect.

All of the actions that I have taken have all seemed to be missteps.

Here's the thing... first up, I think you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF. There is nothing you can do that will change her mind. It is not on you. There is no magic combination of steps you could have taken that would make her let go of AP and come back to you. Don't beat yourself up or worry that the space you gave her made her closer to OW than if you'd stayed. Her behavior and choices are wholly outside of your control. This was my hardest lesson but the one that has been the most helpful (though for me it is still a mindful practice, not something that comes naturally).

My guess is that IHS is going to be really difficult. I was re-reading your last thread before you left to see your family, and you said you'd decided you couldn't handle an IHS and so were leaving. I guess I'm wondering what will make things bearable now? Can you really explore other options? Are you 100% sure in your heart you aren't coming back to see if you can win her back, but because it is 100% the best thing for you right now?

I think boundaries are going to be critically important for you. Can you think back to how you felt in the fall before you left? Re-read here or your journals and really put yourself back in those shoes? When did you feel emotionally unsafe? what were your triggers? What things did you do that helped, and what things did not help? If I were you-- even though this will probably be uncomfortable-- I'd spend some time really thinking about the lines you need to draw around yourself to protect yourself when you go back into the situation and having your W right there in the same house but saying those same things.

This is so hard, Mar. Your life is changing, and part of that isn't in your control-- the part to do with being married. The rest of it, though is! You have the entire rest of your life in front of you. You get to decide where you want to live, what kind of job you want to do, what kind of people you want to spend time around. Is there any part of you that looks at this and is even a little bit excited? Thinking about how you'll feel when you are no longer tethered emotionally to your W?

You might read DnJ's thread over on MLC (and/or maybe it was on Sage's thread?) where he wrote this long piece about detaching, that right now you're being pulled around like a trailer behind a wildly veering truck, and you need to DETACH and remove your coupling mechanism. And once you heal, start driving yourself. (I'm butchering this, but if you can find it, I thought it was incredibly helpful imagery, at least for me.)

Hang in there! You can do this.

xx May