She moved out in September and we share 50/50 custody of a 2 yr old baby girl.
We slowly started to spend more time together during exchanges.
I [censored] up last week. I used sex as a way of seeing if she was truly back in again. I was angry.
I used the word "child support" for the first time in a Venmo message. I only wanted to communicate by email for a fw days. When I realized how I was feeling I owned it all and apologized.
She just told me things are final. She is moving on. I feel she's done.
I want to ask - is there hope I can do anything and I'm also afraid of someone saying NO.
How do I stay open to a future yet protective of my heart.
How do I move forward from today?
I wrote her this email and would love anyone's thoughts on it or anything else.
Lish -
My hope is that this email is something at some point you can visit to
I want to repeat and share once again that I see your hurt.
You spoke about your #1 value. I've known that, we had so much and what you were bringing and how you were shaping our time was enough for me - apple orchards, family walks, family breakfasts. I shared a lot this morning about my view on it, and I want you to know, it is ever so apparent how important it is to you and how much I am aligned and wanting it as well.
You mentioned it took me 6 days. I imagine you may have felt abandoned and the pattern was repeating. I'm sorry. I can see and hear the hurt and as soon as you said it I knew what it meant. I imagine it must have been painful, perhaps angry and sad. It brings me pause to think about how that could have made you feel. I didn't want to blame you for anything, I wanted to come to you with love, that which you deserve. Internally I was dealing with my own process and the failure to meet my exam deadline, a broken computer which I drove around all day on Sunday trying to buy a new one and repairing what looked like a failing deal with my new job. I took Monday to compose my thoughts and Tuesday to send it. I know my apology could be too late, I see where I could have just brought this all up in a more vulnerable way, I just didn't think it was something you wanted or thought was appropriate.
I'm sorry about the venmo message - I can see how hurtful, severing and perhaps cuel that could have felt.
I'm sorry that you felt sex was a contngentcey. I wanted my honesty to show that I was the problem. On Thursday and Friday I was not able to access the truth. You expressed so much sadness and the frustrations about us not being as physical as you need and that you want to feel desired. I really [censored] this up and I wanted to acknowledge to you my shortcomings and my ownership and how I was short-sided. You deserve the truth and I also could have realized a snuggle on the couch could have been enough.
Gosh Lish, how that really could have hurt you.....
Your message on New Year's day so warmed my heart despite everything I was feeling. i was stuck, I wanted you to secretly come over and surprise me. You deserved a man that night.
I heard and read about how you feel about trying - You feel hurt and done. I respect that you want to grow now by yourself and separately. It was my mistake to not stay with February 1st, I wanted you and it was too soon. I am sticking up for the relationship and what was a clear break in September and the past 4 months that have followed have shown our growth together.
Family dinners, dance parties. Gentle conversations, more of me which is what you wanted. Family.
In my own experience this week I have looked inside and seen your sensitivity, your innocence and delicacy - and the word I've always used, kindness. I also see some of my disconnection and blindness. I will honor that vision of you and will look at you with those eyes. I can fathom that the way you feel is worse than I do right now.
Take your time. I am building a container and a loving kind presence for us. I ask, don't throw this away.
