WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont5.)

[SteveLW]

Steve85 - I know you're right. I want to sit her down and just say "Are you sure?" And I want to hear "Yes" or "No". But you're right, her actions should speak loud enough for me. There is a part of me that thinks that if I don't ask, the answer is obvious, but if I ask, maybe there is a chance that she says she is questioning. I've read nothing that recommends doing that, everything I've read calls it pursuit and says it will push her farther away than she already is, and I've been replaying in my mind a conversation we had in April, when she told me I wasn't going to stop her this time. I guess this is just a process, and I'm making my messy way through it.

"maybe there is a chance"

This made me think of the classic Dumb and Dumber scene....."so you are saying there is a chance".

Scott, this is your reality. Ws do not have the discussion with the kids, move out, and then suddenly wake up in their place with fleas biting her and go "I made a mistake!" She is like a speeding train, it is going to take a lot of tracks before she comes to a stop and then starts going the other direction. This goes back to a post I made earlier in your thread, the illusion of action. "If I just ask her sure ONE more time."

And I get it! It is such a struggle for LBSs. I struggled with this. "If I say this...." "If I do this...." "If I can get her to see this...." I see you struggle with it in your posting. "The kids are sad, doesn't she see that?" "Her new place is infested with fleas, can't she understand it could be different?" "She seems so unhappy, doesn't she know she could be happier if she came back?" If it were that easy, imagine the difference in advice we could give on this forum. "Hey, newbie, just let your kids know to be really sad around your WAS!" "Hey LBS, get a test tube of fleas, and let them go in the WAS' new place!" "Whenever you are interacting with your WAS, just bring up really sad things to make them sad!"

Unfortunately, none of that works. Many LBSs have done the "are you sure" thing multiple times, only to get crushed by the answer they got every single time. You see, even if she isn't sure, you asking her that will emboldened her to say the opposite. When WASs come back, it has to be their idea. That is why the advice to give them time and space is so important. The opposite of not giving them time and space is to pressure and pursue. WASs cannot come to the conclusion that they made a mistake on their own when the LBSs keeps asking "are you sure?" It turns into the same dynamic that drives the adults nuts when every 5 minutes on a trip the kids ask "are we there yet?"

I do have to give you a lot of credit Scott. When you struggle with this you come here and voice it. We've seen so many LBSs that come back to us after the fact and say "Well, I asked him/her one last time, are you sure? And he/she told me that there was not even a snowball's chance in hell that they will ever come back." And then they get 2x4'd for breaking the rules. At least you are floating it here before acting! So good for you. But believe it or not, you best chance to ever get her back is to let her go.