WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont5.)

[ScottB]

This was a pretty awesome panel of folks that hit this thread over the past 24. Amazing that you all took the time, thank you.

Originally posted by Ginger1:
Why are you hanging on to anything ? You are separated and headed to divorce right now. That is where you are. You can get on with your life full steam ahead.

But I’m afraid getting on with your life means dating?
Do you really think you should be dating right now even if you knew for sure that it was over and done?
Because I am pretty sure that would just lead to you in the same spot with a different woman until you work on your urges to make someone else’s life your priority and live for for them. Or to rescue.
Or to do everything for them. Which I am sure your anxiety is what helps you lead to those behaviors.

Your life right now should look the same whether or not she might come back or not. It’s a great time either way to get to know yourself as an individual without another woman dictating your identity

Ginger - You're right. I'm just in so much emotional pain and I'm struggling to cope. I feel alone and lonely at times and I don't want to be alone.

It's easier, IMHO, if "moving on" and "hanging on" recommend similar actions. If "moving on" means downloading Tinder and finding a hook-up as a surrogate for our ex's, I see the angst.

My "intermediate girlfriend" (for want of a better word) reminded me a few times she wasn't my ex and couldn't hike for 16hrs straight. Several commented KitKat has replaced her angst about her ex-husband with angst about "pilot". Fireman's brief tumble hurt his reconciliation chances. Wolfman got his GF pregnant.

If "moving on" is about working on you and what you need to be happy on your own it's a whole different ball game, because those are the same you do for "hanging on". Can you set and execute goals related to your and your children's happiness so you live a life "with" a partner instead of "for" a partner? If you wanted to be your best self, what would you change, and isn't all this newfound free time optimal for making it happen?

CW - I hear you. This is a tough time of year with the winter. In a different time of year I think I'd be able to do more of my hobbies (biking, kayaking, taking up a motorcycle is a thought). But maybe not, maybe I'd still feel lonely - I don't know. From about April through November in my neighborhood, everyone hangs out on their porches and drinks beers; that can't happen right now, its too cold. I'm doing a really good job with the kids right now. I have a spiritual retreat this weekend, maybe that will provide some fuel for finding my best self again. I'm just not hungry to read books to get my mind there and motivated right now - I'm depressed and just trying to deal.

So let’s look at her actions:
Bought a house
Filing for divorce
Treating you coldly

Do these actions speak of confusion?

I know you’re a very smart man but I think your emotions are blinding you.

LH - The actions you named do not speak of confusion. Does Christmas speak of confusion? She was confiding in me about her job search, talking about the challenges of the new home, took a nap at my house on Christmas day, stayed here with the kids until 4:30p when I needed to ask them to go because I had plans (they were supposed to leave after breakfast). Of course she could have been doing it for the kids, and of course she could have had a weak moment. I think everything is on a spectrum. The weight of evidence is strongly in the divorce, no reconciliation camp. But her reaching out to me the other day to say she was making a scrapbook online of the kids childhood and asking if I wanted her to print me one or the other day when she asked if I needed help getting my son to soccer practice, I don't know - those are interesting moments to. I found out she did get a job offer, and she has not shared that with me -happened a week ago. So most of the signals, but not quite all, point in the direction you laid out. And yes, my emotions are not helping me.

Stockdale Paradox Lesson "This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose —with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

R2C -

Take time to be content alone.

I wrote this down in my journal. I find I'm more content when I make a habit of practicing centering prayer, which is like mediation, which I did today. I need to keep working to do the activities that soothe my soul. Its not easy. Taking walks, centering prayer, these activities help soothe me. I just forget to keep up with them sometimes. I was working to learn guitar and that's soothing, but as of late I've found it to feel like too much work, it feels depressing to think about doing by myself. I do think I'm depressed, maybe not dealing with depression, but I'm depressed.

Scott, I am confused about what you think your alternative to moving on is? You have no choice but to move on. Look at actions. Nothing she is doing even hints that there is another option at this point. Do not stand still for anyone. Either she will get interested in the new and improved Scott and want to follow him, or she won't. Either way Scott is moving on in his life to his best life possible! Stop cycling, break the cycle, and stop trying to read things into her that aren't there.

You've got this!

Steve85 - I know you're right. I want to sit her down and just say "Are you sure?" And I want to hear "Yes" or "No". But you're right, her actions should speak loud enough for me. There is a part of me that thinks that if I don't ask, the answer is obvious, but if I ask, maybe there is a chance that she says she is questioning. I've read nothing that recommends doing that, everything I've read calls it pursuit and says it will push her farther away than she already is, and I've been replaying in my mind a conversation we had in April, when she told me I wasn't going to stop her this time. I guess this is just a process, and I'm making my messy way through it.

LH - So in theory, the final nail in the coffin for marriage 1.0 is a good thing? And if I can heal and grow, I'll be able to choose the best and healthiest path for myself, my kids, and my life at that point? I'm just not healthy yet.

And between the sports and school and the divorce, there is no ability to go no contact. Our mediation sessions are scheduled every other week for the next two months. This week we are getting together to refinance out of the house.

Its hard to go very long without seeing her or having to email with her and that doesn't help. I check my email half wanting to have gotten something from her, but mostly praying that I haven't gotten anything from her.